I went to the grocery store. Yea I said I went to the grocery store. The look of perplexity says it all. Let me explain first, I’m not the most self-loving person nor do I do the little things like going to the grocery store alone. Let me also explain that I’ve been in a relationship for the last 9 years and became a we instantly, who needs to go to the store alone when you’re a we? That relationship ended and my bestfriend instantly took over coming to the store with me. Here I am again not having to go to the store alone. I hope that you’re following just a bit, but if not that’s ok too. Let me explain a little more I’m proud of myself for going to the store alone, I’m proud of myself for wanting and allowing it to be become a habit. I think that people do this small task all of the time they can’t understand why to me it’s such a big deal. I just want everyone to realize it is a big deal and the times that you dont think you’re doing something for yourself remember this story and remember that you do things for yourself all of the time. Remember that there is someone who has massive anxiety in living her truth in the smaller details, remember that there is someone that’s learning how to be there for herself and to take care of herself. Remember to not take the small things for granted because that small thing to you means the world to someone else.

I have to tell you, I went to the grocery store and I never felt so alive.

The day you passed away it felt like my soul was ripped out of my body, and was taken with you. How could someone go on when they couldn’t recognize themselves in the mirror? The scariest few seconds ever to think that there was no reason to live.

Until the thought of Her saved me. She became my reason, but I couldn’t abuse her because she shouldn’t have to hold that type of responsibility. She can take my hand and guide me but she still had to have the freedom to be Her.

My soul was in a battle and who’s to say you didn’t take the better part of me to do a reconstruction. You shined the brightest lights on each part of me that made me a better version of myself. I was forced to face every dark truth that had consumed me. I had to face it and let it go because essentially there was no room for the negativity.

She’s my Angel in the flesh as she continues to show me, as she continues to be patient with me, as she continues to be understanding. You’re my Angel watching over me, the one that lights up my steps to show me the way. The one that pulls me in the right direction.

These two are mine and I could hold onto them forever, but I know eventually I’ll have to let them both go. Let them fly to freedom the same freedom they’ve allowed me.

This song Let me be by Sara Niemietz has all new meaning to me.

A snippet of the lyrics:

If you don’t want to come along

You should let me be

Let me be

Everything I am

Let me be

Wild and free

Let me be

Myself again

You can’t change how people feel about you but what you can do is change how you feel about yourself. There comes a time where you have to truly put yourself first in order to find your own peace.

All of the test that got me to this place of understanding is nothing compared to this one. I heard myself through everything I had peace and knew I was coming out on top and that i just had to do it. I’m in the darkness again but this time it’s me and me alone. I can’t hear myself and it scares me the most.

Chaos is what I feel, i feel like an engine stall on a plane flying at high altitude needing to land in order to maintain myself. I know once I do the necessary maintenance I’ll fly higher and higher.

I just need to be wild and free without the constraints of anyone or anything else. I need to find a solution to each relationship I’m having a problem with.

What I need is to come out on top bigger and better. I have to find my way and I always do, I wont lie and say this will be a walk in the park or to even say that I won’t have my days. One thing is for certain I just need people to let me be so I could become a better version of myself.

Your perception of me almost became my truth. Everything you said threw me into a frenzy had me questioning everything that I had ever done. Questioning who I was and if I were as bad as of a person that I felt like I were in that moment.

Your perception of me almost became my truth. Which is crazy to me because I’m not responsible for the way you experience me. I’m not responsible for how you take in my decisions. The way you experience me should have no bearing on me.

The reason why I let it this time is because I love you and take everything you say and internalize it. This time you threw me in a frenzy and I had to find a way to break through all of your words. In breaking through I realized I’m not responsible for the way you or anyone else experiences me.

I won’t take on the responsibility of trying to convince someone of how I’m experiencing life because my experience is mine and mine only. My truth is mine and mine only. I can’t be held down by your perception of me. Your experience of me can not become my truth.

People can stand in the same room, same event and still mix up details or have different accounts of what happened. It’s all about what you choose to see. I can’t make you see what I see and I no longer care to try to especially when I’m not responsible for how you experience me. I know you love me and just want the best for me, but your perception of me almost became my truth. That’s where I have to draw lines for myself because if i learned anything out of this conversation i learned I’m not responsible for the way you experience me.

Starting this journey has made me realize how much pain I really had deep inside of me. The ugly truths that I never knew I had to face.

One of those things were neglect and feeling like I had to figure out life by myself. Having only one parent you would think they would try to make up for the absence of the other. That wasn’t necessarily the case. Living with a parent that didn’t come from love so they had no idea how to show it. Coming from a parent that didn’t want kids from the start but ends up having two. Feeling like you’re being raised out of guilt because it’s something they had to do.

All of these feelings are buried inside of me the surface wants to understand because of the lack of love that was received love couldn’t be given. Where is the fairness in that statement? You witness parents doing the complete opposite of what they were shown and then automatically you’re supposed to be forgiving because well you know I didn’t know any other way.

Saying that you did the best that you could under the circumstances seems like a cop out only because you’re not willing to face your truth or to even say sorry. Sorry for not being the person you needed me to be, sorry for not being more understanding, sorry for allowing you to go out into the world not being a complete version of yourself, sorry for not allowing you to dream big, sorry for all of the negativity because that’s all I had to offer.

It burns my soul to speak to you only because of the negativity that you spew. You talk a good game but you don’t even live it. So quick to squash dreams because you have none for yourself, so quick to tell someone that something isn’t going to work because you can’t make things work for yourself, so quick to try to bring someone down to your level instead of trying to help them fly to freedom.

Having to forgive might be the hardest thing because frankly at this point I don’t know what I’m forgiving, at this point I don’t know what I’m having to be understanding of, at this point it’s been so long since I’ve had a parental figure that anything more than what we have right now is not necessary.

But there’s something inside of me that I feel in my entire being that tells me that I have to find a way to work through it all in order to be truly free. Something inside of me that says speak your peace and let it go. Something inside of me says nah we’re good here don’t even worry about it, you go your way and I’ll go mine. Right now that’s not the most realistic because everything in me says that I need to be free.

The anger and frustration that I feel inside of me isn’t healthy. I’ve worked on so much that I can’t let this be the thing that gets swept under the rug. I can’t let this be the thing that holds me back any longer.

I damn sure don’t have to hold onto this animosity that I feel towards you. I also dont have to be so rude when you speak to me either. I’m so quick to respond, but you irritate everything inside of me. That really shouldn’t be the case though. I really shouldn’t allow you to have so much power over me.

I have to find a way to let go of all of these feelings I have toward you. Find a way to speak my peace. Find a way to say nah we’re good here and really mean it. You’re experiences should have no bearing on me and it damn sure shouldn’t affect the way I feel or determine how I live my life.

This journey has grudged up a lot of feelings of pain unknown and here I am entering into my next phase, my next fire to be reborn from the ashes. Not going to lie though this one will burn.

She aggravates my soul, the deepest parts of me. The frustration and irritation that I feel when we have a conversation. A reason why I keep things on a shallow level never will you know the deepest parts of me because you already found a way under my skin.

How can a simple conversation of my plans turn into something that I have to defend? Why are you asking so many questions that don’t concern you? And why are you trying to plant seeds that can’t be planted. Nothing that comes out of your mouth makes me think deeper, nothing about what comes out of your mouth makes me want to change my mind.

The toxicity is astounding. The fact that you have the audacity to feel the need to continue giving me an opinion that was not asked for, the fact that you think I care about anything that you have to say at this point is laughable at best.

At this point I’ve given you too much attention already. Sometimes you have to learn to let people stay where they are. Despite who it is some people can’t always go everywhere with you. Toxicity is the worse thing anyone can deal with, especially when the person on the other end doesn’t see their faults.

I see you though, and in seeing you I can see me keeping ultimate distance. Beautiful thing about life is I have authority over who I allow in my space, beautiful thing is it doesn’t matter the relations if you dont fit I for sure wont force it.

There’s truly only so much one can take, and I’m at that place of and we’re good here.

Know when it’s time to walk.

There’s something about the light that peaks out of the darkness that catches my everytime. I told my mom I said the sky is pretty, she says eh it’s not awe inspiring… I then had to tell her I never said I was in awe I said its pretty.

Then it hit me if we continue waiting for awe inspiring moments or moments that’ll blow our mind then we won’t appreciate the settle things. The settle things that make up our everyday, the things that make us who we are.

Learning how to appreciate the smaller things so that I could fully enjoy life. If I wait for the awe inspiring thing I may never be inspired. What a wasted life that would be a life of continuous waiting. The wait to the next best thing, the wait to appreciate the beauty in something, the wait for something to make you whole.

Be inspired by everything, be inspired by words even if it’s only one word, be inspired by your scenery and if you hate your surroundings be inspired to change it. Constantly be inspired in the smaller details bc those are the moments that make up the bigger picture.

His last name is Rock and in correlation to my life that’s exactly what he’s been. I had to ask myself when did we meet because it was all a blur, but it was an instant connection.

After pondering and digging deep to try and figure out where we first began it all came back. I met him when my cousin passed away and anytime I was ready to crumble, Rock would come around the corner to hold me up and put me back together. Luckily for me he’s been that for me ever since.

He recognizes all of the emotions that flow from my eyes. He tells me everything that I need to hear even when I didn’t ask. Since I rarely listen he always gets to tell me I told you so, pyou could imagine how annoying that could be.

He’s my Rock and confidant, he’s the one that can piece me together when I’m crumbling. He’s the one that I’ll keep forever.

How can I not operate in chaos if it’s the only thing that I’ve known? If I am peace then what difference does it make what’s going on around me?

I am the quiet of the night and the peace in the dawn. I am what I say I am. I am most definitely whoever I say I want to be.

Right now, I am grateful I’m grateful for this peace of the morning’s breeze. I’m grateful that I can stand here alone and listen to the birds sing. I’m grateful that I have an outpouring of gratefulness this morning.

So many times I wake up and forget to be thankful and grateful. I forget that I don’t necessarily deserve the peace that is embedded in me. Yet, here I am able to finally see.

To see and feel my heart’s Joy. To feel everything of gratefulness radiating through me. So, today I’ll live in this in this space, this space of gratefulness.

My barriers are always the feelings that I allow to control me for at least a day. Those feelings that I let control me a second too long. Then I have to laugh at myself because I put up such a roadblock to what could’ve been such a productive day.

My barriers are always what I think I see when in reality I’m actually blind to it all. I think I see in one perspective when in reality I’m completely wrong. That just goes back to my barriers being the feelings that control me for at least a day. Those feelings that I let control me a second too long.

My barriers are actually the fear of trying and being something different for the sake of saving myself. Who am I to save myself when we’ve lived a pretty good 29 years? But now at 31 those years mean nothing they just go back to my barriers being the feelings that control me for at least a day. Those feelings that I let control a second too long.

The barriers of my mind can’t blind me for long. They might get me for a day but that’s a few seconds too long.