Starting this journey has made me realize how much pain I really had deep inside of me. The ugly truths that I never knew I had to face.
One of those things were neglect and feeling like I had to figure out life by myself. Having only one parent you would think they would try to make up for the absence of the other. That wasn’t necessarily the case. Living with a parent that didn’t come from love so they had no idea how to show it. Coming from a parent that didn’t want kids from the start but ends up having two. Feeling like you’re being raised out of guilt because it’s something they had to do.
All of these feelings are buried inside of me the surface wants to understand because of the lack of love that was received love couldn’t be given. Where is the fairness in that statement? You witness parents doing the complete opposite of what they were shown and then automatically you’re supposed to be forgiving because well you know I didn’t know any other way.
Saying that you did the best that you could under the circumstances seems like a cop out only because you’re not willing to face your truth or to even say sorry. Sorry for not being the person you needed me to be, sorry for not being more understanding, sorry for allowing you to go out into the world not being a complete version of yourself, sorry for not allowing you to dream big, sorry for all of the negativity because that’s all I had to offer.
It burns my soul to speak to you only because of the negativity that you spew. You talk a good game but you don’t even live it. So quick to squash dreams because you have none for yourself, so quick to tell someone that something isn’t going to work because you can’t make things work for yourself, so quick to try to bring someone down to your level instead of trying to help them fly to freedom.
Having to forgive might be the hardest thing because frankly at this point I don’t know what I’m forgiving, at this point I don’t know what I’m having to be understanding of, at this point it’s been so long since I’ve had a parental figure that anything more than what we have right now is not necessary.
But there’s something inside of me that I feel in my entire being that tells me that I have to find a way to work through it all in order to be truly free. Something inside of me that says speak your peace and let it go. Something inside of me says nah we’re good here don’t even worry about it, you go your way and I’ll go mine. Right now that’s not the most realistic because everything in me says that I need to be free.
The anger and frustration that I feel inside of me isn’t healthy. I’ve worked on so much that I can’t let this be the thing that gets swept under the rug. I can’t let this be the thing that holds me back any longer.
I damn sure don’t have to hold onto this animosity that I feel towards you. I also dont have to be so rude when you speak to me either. I’m so quick to respond, but you irritate everything inside of me. That really shouldn’t be the case though. I really shouldn’t allow you to have so much power over me.
I have to find a way to let go of all of these feelings I have toward you. Find a way to speak my peace. Find a way to say nah we’re good here and really mean it. You’re experiences should have no bearing on me and it damn sure shouldn’t affect the way I feel or determine how I live my life.
This journey has grudged up a lot of feelings of pain unknown and here I am entering into my next phase, my next fire to be reborn from the ashes. Not going to lie though this one will burn.