Category: Purpose

Undone

I have to say I miss my father I miss him for everything he was and wasn’t.

The bits and pieces I didnt know because I didn’t care to know. The pieces of him that made me who I am.

How could that be when i didn’t know him. How could he make me who I was when I didn’t truly know who he was. Is that why I’m blind to pieces of me because I can’t see him in me.

When I do feel him coursing through my veins it’s never the good part of me always the selfish part. The most unloving part. How can that be when he gave me the best of him when he could.

Maybe the effort wasn’t enough in my eyes, maybe he wasn’t enough, maybe I wasn’t enough to be loved like a daughter should be.

I miss the mother I feel like I never had or don’t remembering having because so much has happened.

So much love felt undone but how can someone love another when they don’t love themselves. She raised me to the best of her abilities but it feels like it was from obligation not because that’s what she wanted.

I feel like an orphan with nowhere to run who could I cry to when the one person that’s supposed to wipe away your tears looks at you like whatever.

So much pain in the depths of my soul created by two who couldn’t love themselves.

Why should I seek anything from anyone when two souls left me undone.

Unfinished business from the one that loved me unconditionally. But his business was done it had to be so that I could find the love within myself for myself. From two souls who left me undone.

The Most Deserving

He said that not everyone deserves love. I told him that was a lie the ones that you feel less deserving is the ones who need it most.

The ones that never received it, the ones that couldn’t find it for themselves.

How could some people deserve love and not others just because you were jaded.

Think of all the change that could happen if everyone deserved love. Instead of picking and choosing who to open up to.

The hard ones to love are the ones who need it most. Open yourself slowly so you dont break against their wall. But open wide enough that they can see your light in their dark.

Who are we to say who deserves to be loved when everyone deserves it. Be the person you needed the most. The more you love others the more you’ll find love within yourself.

The Rebuild

Deconstructing this idea of what we’re supposed to be or better yet who we are supposed to be.

Ignorance is bliss but to what extent? Is it so much better to not see yourself or others around you? To not have a care in the world because it’s much easier that way.

Who are we as a whole? Do you even know who you were before the pain set in? Do you even know before you allowed someone to shape your perception of yourself?

Is it so much wiser to be blind to yourself? Your greatest potential. Would you much rather mask it with things that dont matter. The things that mute you, the things that blind you from your true self.

Reconstructing this idea of what and who we are.

Building yourself back up from the “broken” pieces of you. Finding the light in the darkness because your demons no longer satisfy that part of you.

Longing for something more, knowing you deserve something more. Figuring out every which way possible to get it.

Finding that thirst for knowledge because ignorance is no longer enough.

Feeling this strong urge to change but you dont know what. The good thing about that is you can change anything.

We know nothing stays the same so who said you had to.

Reconstructing this idea of what and who we are.

The Illusion of Love

Is your heart keeping you in situations that don’t feel right but you stay because this is what life is “supposed” to be. Has the false sense of love been so engrained in us that we’re willing to settle for less?

Less than what we deserve, anything is better than nothing. To have a warm body next to you. Even if it doesn’t ignite that flame in you. It doesn’t inspire you to be better instead brings out the worse in you.

Not able to express yourself and how you feel because let’s face it your feelings don’t matter. Have we become so conditioned to think that we have to cater to others instead of ourselves?

You can’t be your true self because you’re trying to be everything they want you to be. Each situation you go into you find yourself being chipped at a little more to the point of not being able to recognize yourself.

What happens when the pressure begins to be too much? We’ve all been there that suffocating, poisoning feeling that you just can’t shake.

Until one day you decide that it’s worth more to be able to breath freely than to have this illusion of love. You realize for once that you absolutely had to love yourself first or no one else would. You realize that you’ve been alone before and that you survived.

People look for perfect but perfect doesn’t exist it’s the imperfections that make it worth it. You have to ask yourself is it worth it? What have you learned in the imperfections? If nothing and you realize there’s truly no resolve to any problems then it’ll be a vicious cycle until you say you had enough.

Is it easy to walk away? No but it’s more than worth it. To be able to find your strength that strength that ignites your own flame. That ignites that part of you that wants and deserves more, the part of you that will learn what you could and could not settle for.

I left my relationship and over time made a list of what I NEEDED in my next relationship. I just needed to be able to express myself and not feel stifled and at this point I won’t be able to settle for less.

What would you need going into your next best thing? How much are you willing to give up to have a warm body next to you?

Loving yourself first is difficult because you have to breakdown all of the walls you built to protect yourself. Just think if you could love the wrong ones over and over again, if you just poured a fraction of that into yourself how much better you would be.

What does your love look like?

Fear and Doubt

My friend felt compelled to draw me this picture we discussed it for awhile and we both expressed what we thought it meant.

The closer I looked it seemed that good ideas are always muddled by other things that get in the way, never allowing you to see the dream clear enough.

I don’t think that is was a good enough analysis because that picture haunted me for a good week anytime I closed my eyes there it was. Until i asked the question what does it mean? because at that point I needed to know.

Fear and Doubt that’s what the two fish represent. It became clear that no matter what kind of idea you had if there was fear and doubt muddling your thoughts you would never execute anything.

Fear can be paralyzing so much so that you’d rather sit there in the abyss than to make any move in particular. You’d rather stay in a space that serves you no good. You rather stay in a space that makes you sick.

How do you breakthrough that fear?

You take one step one little step that will lead to your wildest dreams. Don’t be consumed by the end result you haven’t gotten there YET. Don’t forget it’s ok to stand up and sit back down for a moment to gather yourself but you can’t stay down.

Doubt can make you feel like you’re not worthy of anything good so why even try.

How can you be self loving and trusting of yourself with so much doubt? Remember, who deserves anything good if not you?

I doubted myself so much because all of my decisions were based on other people and how they felt. I had to decide that my ideas are just as good as anyone else’s. I had to decide that if it didn’t feel right to me then I wasn’t doing it no matter how someone felt.

I contemplated this blog for a while and I never made the move because of fear and doubt, but one day I felt compelled and there was no alternative my flip switched from fear and doubt to NO THIS is what is going to happen.

What drives you to overcome fear and doubt? Where does the idea of you don’t deserve more stem from?

There’s nothing to fear than fear itself the worse that can happen is a no, but we’ve all been told no before and we didn’t die.

Breakthrough the doubt of your mind because I can guarantee you that you’re the only one that feels like you can’t do it. Trust me there is someone out there rooting for you.

Journey to happiness

So many times we underestimate the power of healing ourselves. Healing ourselves of past pains the things that shaped our reality.

I thought that my personality was my own until I went to therapy and she told me that I had the personality and characteristics of a person who had an addict for a parent. Here I thought I was being me and I was in control of who I became not knowing I was being shaped by circumstances.

At one point I became so detached and I guess you could say depressed without even realizing it. I felt it was better to feel nothing in order to cope with everything that came my way. Why feel anything when people were out to hurt you?

I know now that’s not the case and people are not out to hurt me and anyway who could hurt me when I was in control of everything that was me. I had to realize everyone comes with lessons whether it be good or bad. I had to learn that no one was going to/ could save me that I had to save myself at all cost. But at what cost?

I gave up a 9 year relationship with the father of my daughter and despite him being the best that he could be for his family something wasn’t sitting right. The connection was gone if it had even ever been there. Once I freed myself I was able to breath and think clearly, clearer than ever before.

I started to open myself up so wide that I noticed all of my faults in how I treated myself over the years, whether it was my promiscuity, whether it was my abandonment issues any and everything that held me back in life. I had to decide for myself to get to the bottom of it all.

And that’s exactly what I did. All of these different circumstances made me feel like I wasn’t enough and there was so much self doubt that I couldn’t make moves in any direction.

I truly had to laugh and ask myself what made someone enough? And why did I feel like I wasn’t deserving of better? And truthfully speaking it wasn’t that I wasn’t enough I wasn’t DOING enough. I was doing nothing to fulfill me I was an empty vessel void of everything. I had to find ways to make me happy.

As I started to do those things like writing, reading and even reaching out to people mostly writing. I felt like I became bigger than myself and each time I did that I killed that part of me that felt I wasn’t enough. I decided that I deserved to be happy in whatever that looked like to me.

So despite circumstances I learned that I’m in control of how I feel, I learned that no one can make me feel loved if I dont have it for myself, I learned that in pain you’ll grow. The only one aside from my child that I’m responsible for is myself.

And learning this I would have to say this is what my happy looks like.

What does your happy look like?

The will to find peace

I have to admit the things that would usually bother me no longer have a space in me. I have to say while I still suffer from anxiety I’m no longer frustrated by it. Learning to ground myself with little things like breathing, twisting my ring focusing on anything that I can touch even if that means laying flat on the floor. Once I’m able to breath I can now focus on the real problem at hand instead of the little details that plagued my mind. In every problem there’s a lesson you just have to be willing to solve it.

I’m learning that things are happening around me and even if it does for a moment affect me I can’t let it bring me down. I can’t save the world but I could save myself and in doing that hoping that people see my strength and use it for themselves.

I have to go with the flow of the current and not fight against it I’ve been there and drowned. Finding my own sense of peace in whatever that looks like to me has been the most rewarding.

What does your peace look like to you? Just close your eyes and picture it, feel it radiating through your body. When you feel it go search it out.

Whether that means leaving relationships, friendships, even jobs/careers.

The one thing money cant buy is a peace of mind and it is by far the one thing you cant live without.

How do you choose to find your peace?

The real question

What do you do when you feel helpless and alone? How do you cope and heal from pain that you can’t pin point?

What happens to the body when its consumed by darkness? What happens to the dreams that die in the dark?

What happens when you become not enough? What happens when the people around you can’t help you?

Is ignorance as really blissful as it may seem? Is it better to not see yourself and others around you?

Why should you right because then you don’t have to make moves. Moves to helping yourself and others around you.

You don’t have to find the will to be strong and keep going.

Fighting everything in your body to not be better. Better than yesterday and the day before that. So comfortable in your darkness because your demons love you the most.

But the real question is are you really alive?

The beginning of my journey

I would have to say my journey started years ago I asked myself who are truly and that little voice answered you’re an egotistical bitch.

I thought to myself well damn I thought I was better than that but looking at myself I had to be honest, and realized that I didn’t do anything that didn’t benefit me. There was always an underlying reason for every move I made.

In that moment I started to read the bible daily but after awhile that became not enough. I felt comforted but something else was missing.

No matter what truth I was seeking out I ended up falling into a depression becoming detached from myself and everything around me. I was just going through the motions of life not feeling anything.

Until everything started to go wrong my father passed away a few days after his funeral found out my daughter had a benign brain tumor and would need surgery and chemotherapy. Along with a tremendous amount of loss that year. The following year my cousin, my soul mate my everything passed away and that’s what truly jumped started my journey.

This journey to get back to my true self the one that’s truly connected to God/The universe/The Source whichever feels comfortable to you.

In this journey I started to see who I truly was and where the residual and repressed pain was coming from in order to heal myself.

So I ask you who are you?