So many times we underestimate the power of healing ourselves. Healing ourselves of past pains the things that shaped our reality.
I thought that my personality was my own until I went to therapy and she told me that I had the personality and characteristics of a person who had an addict for a parent. Here I thought I was being me and I was in control of who I became not knowing I was being shaped by circumstances.
At one point I became so detached and I guess you could say depressed without even realizing it. I felt it was better to feel nothing in order to cope with everything that came my way. Why feel anything when people were out to hurt you?
I know now that’s not the case and people are not out to hurt me and anyway who could hurt me when I was in control of everything that was me. I had to realize everyone comes with lessons whether it be good or bad. I had to learn that no one was going to/ could save me that I had to save myself at all cost. But at what cost?
I gave up a 9 year relationship with the father of my daughter and despite him being the best that he could be for his family something wasn’t sitting right. The connection was gone if it had even ever been there. Once I freed myself I was able to breath and think clearly, clearer than ever before.
I started to open myself up so wide that I noticed all of my faults in how I treated myself over the years, whether it was my promiscuity, whether it was my abandonment issues any and everything that held me back in life. I had to decide for myself to get to the bottom of it all.
And that’s exactly what I did. All of these different circumstances made me feel like I wasn’t enough and there was so much self doubt that I couldn’t make moves in any direction.
I truly had to laugh and ask myself what made someone enough? And why did I feel like I wasn’t deserving of better? And truthfully speaking it wasn’t that I wasn’t enough I wasn’t DOING enough. I was doing nothing to fulfill me I was an empty vessel void of everything. I had to find ways to make me happy.
As I started to do those things like writing, reading and even reaching out to people mostly writing. I felt like I became bigger than myself and each time I did that I killed that part of me that felt I wasn’t enough. I decided that I deserved to be happy in whatever that looked like to me.
So despite circumstances I learned that I’m in control of how I feel, I learned that no one can make me feel loved if I dont have it for myself, I learned that in pain you’ll grow. The only one aside from my child that I’m responsible for is myself.
And learning this I would have to say this is what my happy looks like.
What does your happy look like?