I would be lying if I said I wasn’t still afraid my anxiety earlier showed me my truth. Simple conversation brought me to tears and feeling the need to vomit. What it also showed me was that I wasn’t alone and I didn’t have to build this dream alone. That I was guided by angels and people were put on my path for ultimate support all because they can envision the same dream that I have. Willing to help me just to ease my worry. Willing to help me because they see so much in me.

How can I be afraid when I have people to hold me up when I feel weak. Learning to trust my own instincts because it screams louder than my own fears.

I can’t lie to you and say that I’m completely okay, but I can tell you that I’m willing to face my own truths. With that comes great responsibility it surely isn’t easy, but if I can’t face me, then who could?

Looking at myself through a different lens each day finding that part of me that resonates my brightest light. That light that I choose to want to live in.

Pushing away all of my fears little by little. Allowing people to show me my light when I can’t see it for myself. I choose to try to do that for others but in all honesty sometimes I need it for myself.

I’m not perfect and don’t try to pretend that I am. But in my imperfections is where my light shines the brightest.

Be that light for someone else. Face your truths so that someone can find the strength to find their own.

I live for that! God’s good grace that touches every part of my soul. The painting in the sky that shows you you’re worth every beautiful thing given to you. The painting in the sky to help you realize how thankful you really are, to help you slow down in a world moving so fast.

I live for that! A constant reminder that it’s going to be okay. With each new sunset brings forth a new painting a chance at renewal a chance to make it whatever you want it to be.

I thank you a million times over for the reminder to stop and be thankful. I thank you for showing me something new. A moment in time to get it right.

I thank you.

All of the signs reminded me to be thankful. Thankful for guidance, thankful for the people who were put on my path to get me through.

My sister told me that she loves when Justin (cousin) still shows me signs that hes still with me.. His love for me is sooooo amazing.. she doesn’t think anyone has ever loved her like he loves me.

That in itself was a reminder that I’m truly blessed to have him continuously watching over me and guiding my steps to something amazing.

Being reminded everyday that I’m on my path to purpose. Signs everywhere pointing me down the right road.

Believe in what you want whether it be God, the universe, yourself whatever just through it all be thankful.

Without thanks and that humbleness we tend to fall short of what we truly deserve.

So I give thanks to being able to open myself to others when I’ve always been afraid. I give thanks for the lessons mainly my hardest ones because without those I wouldn’t be where I am today. I give thanks to those who recognize the change. I give thanks to myself for being able to love and forgive myself. I give thanks for being able to see what’s ahead of me, the signs shining bright like neon lights.

Be thankful for anything even if you feel like it’s small, but whatever it is just be thankful.

What are you thankful for?

Who am I? If you dont like the answer (how can you change it)

What am I afraid of?

Am i aware that happiness is something that just is and cant be something tangible? (In knowing this you learn that you control your happiness and well being)

Why do I feel so empty inside?(what made you afraid of your own company)

How can I fill me up with more of me and less of you? (Any you that you look to fill you up)

What does my ideal situation life look like? (Forget everything that you think is ideal) (bc in reality the best life is one that’s just lived without all the pressures of what your perfect life looks like)

Why do I put this unnecessary pressure on myself?

What is MY truth? ( forget everything you thought was your truth)

And remember external things come and go… this is for you and only you

I feel me weaving in and out of your darkness trying to light your flame before your demons destroy it.

I feel your demons closing in on me. I feel the tears that aren’t mine welling up in my eyes. I feel my chest becoming tighter as I try to catch my breath.

By any means necessary I will light that torch. By any means necessary I’ll run and light another. By any means necessary I will show you who you truly are.

Take comfort in my security. Take comfort in knowing I’m not leaving you.

But in order not to have us both destroyed I need you to walk with me. I’ll hide you when it gets rough I promise. But when it’s time to move we have to move.

By any means necessary I will save you.

I need to write only if to ramble. To clear my mind of this weight of nothingness. Getting lost in a space of constant chatter but no one is saying anything. I’m tired, but who needs sleep anyway. Who needs sleep when you’re getting lost in nothingness.

I haven’t written in awhile and when I tried there were too many confusing thoughts. Too many different stories so they were all left undone. Almost ready to erase so I can’t be witness to the incompleteness which are my thoughts. Witnessing my complancey that I’m fighting hard to get out of, witnessing all that is wrong. See that’s my mind playing tricks on me because there really isn’t anything wrong I’m just tired.

Look how easy it was to ramble just to clear my mind of nothingness. Sorting out the things that don’t really matter. Long story short I need a nap.

Here I am is in a space of complacency a space of just being falling into routine and not wavering from that. Here I am is in a space of grey and dullness. Here I am is in a space of anger because I can do more. Here I am is in a space of tiredness beyond belief. Here I am is in a space of seeing no movement and feeling stuck. Here i am is in a space of wanting more but not doing more. Here i am is in a space of knowing better but not doing better. Here I am is in a space of thinking about goals and it stopping there. Here I am is in a space i no longer want to be. Although I have this desire to be more I just can’t get out of whatever this is. So here I am.

(Take a step back)

Holding your bleeding heart in my hand stretched out in front of the both of us.

(You feel like you’re suffocating but I promise I got you)

(Look me in the eyes)

Let me tell you. Every beat that’s in my hand is your purpose. (Breath you got this)

(Dont look down there’s nothing for you there)

Hear your heart crying because she loves so deeply. Jaded by the circumstances of things of the past.

(Shhh you have to listen)

She’s telling you a story of where it began. She’s telling you she doesn’t want to hold onto it any longer. She’s telling you that its crowded in there. She’s telling you she wants to break free. She’s telling you that she knows it hurts, she knows it’s painful but this is worse. She’s telling you that you’re strong enough to get through. She’s telling you begging you just need to listen.

She’s telling you she doesn’t want to just survive anymore she wants to live. Live free of this hurt that no longer matters, no longer plays a part in anything. She’s telling you she finally knows beautiful because she’s met ugly. She’s telling you that she cant be perfect but she’ll be damn near. She’s telling you just to listen to her when you can.

(Look at her because she’ll show you)

She screams look at me, look at me please look at me.

(Don’t turn your head you have to look). I know I may look ugly but I promise it’s a coat. It’s a shield of armor to keep out the darkness. I swear there’s light in here I promise. (Breath you got this). Why can’t you look at me? Who told you that you weren’t worthy? Who made you believe you were nothing? Please just look at me. Tears roll down your face, I know I sent them. That’s the only way you’ll feel me. Please just look at me. I’m not ugly I promise. You get glimpses of what I can show you. Keep it with you until you’re ready.

(Times running out)

Jaded heart just wants to be free but she has to go back like a caged bird. Jaded heart wants to be loved, not convenient or comfort love. Jaded heart wants you to see her, wants you to love her, wants you to tell her she’s beautiful despite the years of beatings. Jaded heart is as beautiful as she was when she first started. She loves so deeply and so passionately.

(Take her back)

And nurture her. Cultivate all the good inside of her. Break every wall that’s binding her. She’s not ugly she’s beautiful. Keep her with you always.

(Breath, I know you feel like you’re suffocating but I promise I got you)

I killed myself once, and that’s why I’m not afraid to die because I know I get another chance to get it right. Maybe not in that life but the next.

I killed myself once with that death all of my dreams never came to fruition. That’s why I can’t see anything through, I dream and I stop because I killed myself once.

I killed myself once and seen the pain I’ve caused everyone around me and that’s why my will is so strong now.

Soul lessons in each life, taking bits and pieces from each experience. I killed myself once and learned that although everything stopped in that life I kept going.

I killed myself once because I was afraid of what I was becoming or not becoming. The greater part of me, but I wasn’t ready for something so great I didn’t learn enough I wasn’t strong enough.

In killing myself once I learned how strong I truly was and took it into my next life. Still afraid of my greatness only because there are still lessons to be learned and realized, but this time it’s different.

I’m learning that I’m built for everything that’s thrown my way. I’m learning that fear is only of the mind and there are no limits. I’m learning that my greatest fear right now right here is not tapping into the best part of me. Letting my death go in vain.

I killed myself once but never could that happen again.

When two becomes one is when life begins and you’re truly alive. When you can accept life comes with death is when you’ll learn to live. When you know happiness because you’ve met sadness. When you know being rich because you’ve met being poor. With ups there’s downs. Two spectrums of life can never live in the same space. How do you choose to live? It’s easy to get stuck in the lesser, but are you really living? When two becomes one is when life begins. Acceptance is key, accept the fact that when life seems to be the worse it could only flip to be better. Never get too comfortable in the space you’re in because in an instant it could be gone. When two becomes one is when life begins and you’re truly alive.

I can’t say this journey will be easy, I cant say seeing the bigger picture is easy while you’re drowning. The only thing you can do is try and find the brightside of it all. With every situation there’s a silver lining the reason behind it all.

Hate the feeling of misery so much that there becomes no alternative to finding the brightside. We know what misery feels like, aren’t we ready to feel the joy life has to offer?

Two spectrums can’t live in the same space. So which do you choose to live in?

The other day was hell for me it was busy, everyone was pulling me in each direction needless to say I was aggravated and annoyed. Then I realized it was me to start, it was my energy that was attracting everything coming my way. Once I realized that I had two choices I could either change my mindset or keep having the same energy and same bad day. Long story short I decided to stay in that space and dealt with the consequences of my “actions” while having to remind myself that it was my fault and I could’ve changed the outcome.

The very next day came and I was fine my energy whole I decided that I couldn’t feed that part of me two days in a row, so no matter what the day brought I just had to remind myself to look straight ahead and keep going no need to get caught up in things happening around me.

Remember don’t get caught up in things that are going on around you the only thing that you’re in control of is your actions and reactions.

How do you plan on spending your day?

I have to say I miss my father I miss him for everything he was and wasn’t.

The bits and pieces I didnt know because I didn’t care to know. The pieces of him that made me who I am.

How could that be when i didn’t know him. How could he make me who I was when I didn’t truly know who he was. Is that why I’m blind to pieces of me because I can’t see him in me.

When I do feel him coursing through my veins it’s never the good part of me always the selfish part. The most unloving part. How can that be when he gave me the best of him when he could.

Maybe the effort wasn’t enough in my eyes, maybe he wasn’t enough, maybe I wasn’t enough to be loved like a daughter should be.

I miss the mother I feel like I never had or don’t remembering having because so much has happened.

So much love felt undone but how can someone love another when they don’t love themselves. She raised me to the best of her abilities but it feels like it was from obligation not because that’s what she wanted.

I feel like an orphan with nowhere to run who could I cry to when the one person that’s supposed to wipe away your tears looks at you like whatever.

So much pain in the depths of my soul created by two who couldn’t love themselves.

Why should I seek anything from anyone when two souls left me undone.

Unfinished business from the one that loved me unconditionally. But his business was done it had to be so that I could find the love within myself for myself. From two souls who left me undone.