I had a thought on the walk in.

Do you truly think you hate yourself when you’ve found the beauty within.

For once in your life you’re able to look in the mirror and see you.

You dont shy away like before.

You know what you have to offer people when before you thought nothing at all.

Never do you think you’re ugly like before.

You see the beauty in your eyes, in your smile, and in your nose.

You see the beauty in your body you’re not critical like before.

Even when you were small you were afraid to get fat you were so critical of the smallness.

When you gained weight you didn’t feel like yourself but you didn’t really realize how much it didnt affect you.

Now back to your natural self you love it even more.

Sometimes you have to lose to gain.

You gained the confidence you never had before.

No one can tell you anything about the way you look because you’re secure.

Anything that you change now is for you.

You know how intelligent you are you just haven’t learned to apply it.

You naturally learn and soak up information like a sponge.

But what’s the point of obtaining knowledge if you don’t use it.

You’ve become less judgmental because you know everyone has a story.

Complancey kills you slowly because you know you’re so much more.

The Cry

Screams in the darkness getting louder and louder. Fighting to breathe fighting to live. Feeling all alone with nowhere to turn. The essence is fading and we dont know where it’s going. Screaming to be free but she’s getting weaker and weaker by the moment demons feasting on her as if it’s their last meal. She screams one more agonizing scream. (Then complete darkness)

The Life

Living to survive because that’s what we’re taught to do. Never dream for more than your means can afford. A life filled with stifled thoughts, a life filled with any vice that’ll kill that voice that knows right. Letting your ego/mind lead because its protected you the most. You trust it more than your true self. You allow it to take hold of everything that is you….. until you’re suffocating and fading into the darkness (glimpse of light)

The Battle

Drawn to the light like a moth to a flame. Willing to risk it all so that you could live and be free. Free of pain, free of everything that holds you back. Fighting every demon imaginable just to live in that light. Not knowing which direction to run in, but you know you have to run. The darkness calling your name so sweetly telling you to come it promises it’s safe. We’ve lived together for so long, how could you want to leave me now? You fall back as if you fall into a trance being blinded by the things that you’ve become accustomed to. The light screams your name in order to wake you from the nightmare you jolt back up to run and find it.

The duality of self is the battle within two could never live as one.

So the question is which do you choose?

You do not get to complain about the choices that you make. That’s not quite how that works free time means your time if it doesn’t fit into what you want then don’t do it, but you do not get to complain about the choices that you make.

We’re at work and want to complain I mean fine it’s a bit annoying, but it happens. No one is holding us hostage wait our responsibilities are scratch that it’s almost worse than having a gun to your head. Still you know we’re here making the best of it. So we can complain.

You do not get to complain about the choices that you make. Oh having a miserable time, can’t seem to understand why you just won’t go, can’t truly stand the person that you’re with but yet here we are complaining about the choices that you make.

I had to seriously learn that lesson either I was going to leave or I was going to continue complaining, but after awhile I got tired of hearing my mouth. My daughter said to me she was upset because she chose to go to a party instead of hanging out with my aunt. She told me she missed her and wanted to see her.

I said well listen you made your choice and maybe it was the wrong one, but you made it, you dont get to sit here and be mad and have an attitude with everyone around you. In that moment I had to internalize that message for myself because how dare I choose misery and sit in it then complain about it.

How many times can we really make a decision that doesn’t suit our best needs? How many times can we actually sit in a choice of unhappiness and expect anyone to want to hear it?

So honestly I ask you to think before you complain because chances are someone’s day may not be that great.

I can’t sleep. Mind overwhelmed with joy and sense of accomplishment. Reminding myself to be careful with what I speak because I’m in the process of manifesting everything that comes to mind and out of my mouth.

Joy of peace, joy of love, joy of saying I’m going to do something and actually following through.

If you knew me then you would know that it’s such a big deal. Issues with commitment so there’s never any follow through. This time I did it! And I couldn’t be more proud. Still a work in progress but the big picture is complete.

I’m becoming more complete each day. The more time I take for myself to do the thing I love the most the happier I am.

Overwhelmed with Joy and love. Love for myself and love for others.

I act as if I don’t work tomorrow and I don’t have an early start but to me, right now nothing else even matters.

I just want to scream at that top of my lungs that I did it! And I feel complete. Still a work in progress so I have to control myself, but good God I’m good.

And this is not to boast but this is truly the first time in life that I felt this way. So right now I have to bask in the glory knowing that I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing.

Giving thanks because for so long I never have. Always feeling like i did it all alone but now i feel the gratitude radiating through my entire being. So with the most humbleness i can find i say thank you, but not only thank you also patting myself on the back because I did it!

Just want to scream at the top of my lungs, but for now this will do.

Still a work in progress, but right here right now I’ll bask in the glory.

I would be lying if I said I wasn’t still afraid my anxiety earlier showed me my truth. Simple conversation brought me to tears and feeling the need to vomit. What it also showed me was that I wasn’t alone and I didn’t have to build this dream alone. That I was guided by angels and people were put on my path for ultimate support all because they can envision the same dream that I have. Willing to help me just to ease my worry. Willing to help me because they see so much in me.

How can I be afraid when I have people to hold me up when I feel weak. Learning to trust my own instincts because it screams louder than my own fears.

I can’t lie to you and say that I’m completely okay, but I can tell you that I’m willing to face my own truths. With that comes great responsibility it surely isn’t easy, but if I can’t face me, then who could?

Looking at myself through a different lens each day finding that part of me that resonates my brightest light. That light that I choose to want to live in.

Pushing away all of my fears little by little. Allowing people to show me my light when I can’t see it for myself. I choose to try to do that for others but in all honesty sometimes I need it for myself.

I’m not perfect and don’t try to pretend that I am. But in my imperfections is where my light shines the brightest.

Be that light for someone else. Face your truths so that someone can find the strength to find their own.

I live for that! God’s good grace that touches every part of my soul. The painting in the sky that shows you you’re worth every beautiful thing given to you. The painting in the sky to help you realize how thankful you really are, to help you slow down in a world moving so fast.

I live for that! A constant reminder that it’s going to be okay. With each new sunset brings forth a new painting a chance at renewal a chance to make it whatever you want it to be.

I thank you a million times over for the reminder to stop and be thankful. I thank you for showing me something new. A moment in time to get it right.

I thank you.

All of the signs reminded me to be thankful. Thankful for guidance, thankful for the people who were put on my path to get me through.

My sister told me that she loves when Justin (cousin) still shows me signs that hes still with me.. His love for me is sooooo amazing.. she doesn’t think anyone has ever loved her like he loves me.

That in itself was a reminder that I’m truly blessed to have him continuously watching over me and guiding my steps to something amazing.

Being reminded everyday that I’m on my path to purpose. Signs everywhere pointing me down the right road.

Believe in what you want whether it be God, the universe, yourself whatever just through it all be thankful.

Without thanks and that humbleness we tend to fall short of what we truly deserve.

So I give thanks to being able to open myself to others when I’ve always been afraid. I give thanks for the lessons mainly my hardest ones because without those I wouldn’t be where I am today. I give thanks to those who recognize the change. I give thanks to myself for being able to love and forgive myself. I give thanks for being able to see what’s ahead of me, the signs shining bright like neon lights.

Be thankful for anything even if you feel like it’s small, but whatever it is just be thankful.

What are you thankful for?

Who am I? If you dont like the answer (how can you change it)

What am I afraid of?

Am i aware that happiness is something that just is and cant be something tangible? (In knowing this you learn that you control your happiness and well being)

Why do I feel so empty inside?(what made you afraid of your own company)

How can I fill me up with more of me and less of you? (Any you that you look to fill you up)

What does my ideal situation life look like? (Forget everything that you think is ideal) (bc in reality the best life is one that’s just lived without all the pressures of what your perfect life looks like)

Why do I put this unnecessary pressure on myself?

What is MY truth? ( forget everything you thought was your truth)

And remember external things come and go… this is for you and only you

I feel me weaving in and out of your darkness trying to light your flame before your demons destroy it.

I feel your demons closing in on me. I feel the tears that aren’t mine welling up in my eyes. I feel my chest becoming tighter as I try to catch my breath.

By any means necessary I will light that torch. By any means necessary I’ll run and light another. By any means necessary I will show you who you truly are.

Take comfort in my security. Take comfort in knowing I’m not leaving you.

But in order not to have us both destroyed I need you to walk with me. I’ll hide you when it gets rough I promise. But when it’s time to move we have to move.

By any means necessary I will save you.

I need to write only if to ramble. To clear my mind of this weight of nothingness. Getting lost in a space of constant chatter but no one is saying anything. I’m tired, but who needs sleep anyway. Who needs sleep when you’re getting lost in nothingness.

I haven’t written in awhile and when I tried there were too many confusing thoughts. Too many different stories so they were all left undone. Almost ready to erase so I can’t be witness to the incompleteness which are my thoughts. Witnessing my complancey that I’m fighting hard to get out of, witnessing all that is wrong. See that’s my mind playing tricks on me because there really isn’t anything wrong I’m just tired.

Look how easy it was to ramble just to clear my mind of nothingness. Sorting out the things that don’t really matter. Long story short I need a nap.

Here I am is in a space of complacency a space of just being falling into routine and not wavering from that. Here I am is in a space of grey and dullness. Here I am is in a space of anger because I can do more. Here I am is in a space of tiredness beyond belief. Here I am is in a space of seeing no movement and feeling stuck. Here i am is in a space of wanting more but not doing more. Here i am is in a space of knowing better but not doing better. Here I am is in a space of thinking about goals and it stopping there. Here I am is in a space i no longer want to be. Although I have this desire to be more I just can’t get out of whatever this is. So here I am.