Self-love: regard for one’s own well-being and happiness (chiefly considered as a desirable rather than narcissistic characteristic).

This word has been thrown around so much that I think its losing its meaning in our ego. We speak on self-love as if it’s just the new thing to do. It caught on like wildfire and everyone ran with it.

I had a dream of an art show and in the end the girl exuded all of these beautiful colors I told myself there it is, that’s the point to love yourself so much that you just exude light.

For months I spoke about self-love and it being my goal I had to do everything to get there. I realized shortly that while it wasn’t impossible I had one step to fulfill before I got there. I had to self-heal and forgive myself for the damage that I had done to myself. How could all of a sudden I love this person that I didn’t love before? It didn’t make sense to me.

So I started to write what I thought self-love was and here is what I came up for me:

Self-love looks like loving me so deeply and being so forgiving of my downfalls and myself. It looks understanding to myself, when I can forgive and understand the outside world. Also, it’s like attacking problems head on instead of wishing them away. Let’s face it, that’s been done a lot too.

In order for me to get there I automatically knew there were things in me that I had to heal. That it wasn’t as easy as me just saying the words. That’s what I did I started doing the inner work and forgiving myself, the more I forgave the more I could see who I truly was, and for once I thought she was beautiful.

How many times have we fallen victim to saying oh that couldn’t be me in that situation? Then all of sudden its us in that situation. I found that people judge themselves so much that they project their judgements on other people they lose sight that it’s been them all along.

Have you ever considered that you were the toxic friend that you continuously speak about? Don’t get me wrong people are toxic, but let’s consider for a moment that people are just mirroring the things that you hate about yourself. Would that perspective change your mind on how you viewed others? Would that make you look deeper into yourself? Would you start questioning why you keep attracting the same people over and over again? If you looked deeper would you stop playing victim?

I think it’s a fair assessment to say that we’ve all become a victim at one point in our lives some worse than others, but that doesn’t take away from your experience. My question is, how long do we continue in a victimized mindset? How long do we believe that people are just bad and out to get us? When do we believe in ourselves enough to forgive and realize everyone has their own demons. When do we realize that only we can truly save and love ourselves?

When do we take the mask off and truly start loving ourselves? When do we forgive ourselves so that we can learn to forgive others? How can we ask for forgiveness from others and we aren’t willing to do the same? When do we become tired of being bitter?

Self-love is truly a journey and not words just spoken, it’s not only the exterior aspects of ourselves. Yea your hair is nice your clothes are kept, but what are you masking on the inside? What truths aren’t you facing? I think collectively we are in a bind and can’t figure out how to get out of it. I think that we all have this problem with thinking that no one will understand what we go through or we’re afraid to let people know because of fear of judgement. People judge as if they’ve never been through the fire, but what I also realized is people judge because they see something in you that they wish to see in themselves.

With these questions I ask you are you really as self-loving as you portray? Is your understanding of self as really deep as you think? Or is it as deep as your ego will allow. Let’s face it we’ve all lived in survival mode, but when is it truly time to live?

You were the rock I broke myself against trying to permeate your life and love. Trying to force it to be something that it wasn’t. That’s a bit rough there was love we just didn’t know how to produce better. I needed you tell me how and it never came.

In the process of trying to learn how to be a complete version of myself I met you.

All was lost I allowed you to sweep me away and take responsibility. I allowed the dictation of what my life looked like because hell what do I know, maybe you knew something I didn’t. Broken pieces trying to pull together in every turn until I stopped. I figured I’d rather stay broken than to do work that was impossible to do under the pressure.

Then there was the suffocation, the pressure that amounted to something worse. The pressure that made me save myself.

In my moments of solitude I found me, I picked up my pieces dusted them off and built something so much better. I built the person who is her true self, I built the person that stands in her own truth, I built the person that doesn’t need anyone but herself. In needing myself I built someone who didn’t want to be needed but only wanted.

So many times our need for people overshadow the need to save ourselves. Afraid to look at the pieces that are in desperate need of repair. Allowing yourself to think that everything is okay as long as someone is on the other side of the phone. What happens when everyone is gone? What life are you willing to live then? Do you drown out the voices with any and everything?

How do you save yourself?

Where did we go wrong to not know that we need ourselves above anything and anyone else? What do we do when as a collective whole we feel the same way, but aren’t having the conversation?

Why isn’t anyone speaking? Have you been so convinced that you’re the only one that’s going through something that no one could possibly understand? Who told you to keep secrets to yourself? Who told you not to break curses that bind you at every turn? Who told you that you couldn’t free yourself?

Breaking yourself against each wall, finding the lies in yourself to make you feel better, but have the nerve to demand the truth from somewhere else.

You owe it to yourself to be honest. You owe it to yourself to find the love inside that you didn’t think you deserved. You owe it to yourself to save YOU!

I just wanted to share my highest praise with you. In being thankful for everything that you have and everything that you are. Staying thankful for the dark times because only in that can you appreciate the true light. Staying thankful for the storms so that you can recognize the rainbows.

I wanted to share my highest praise with you so that you could start your day on a good note. Start your day knowing that you are awesome and God made no mistakes with you. That you’re uniquely made and only YOU could be YOU.

Take your experiences and be better. Better for you and only you. Know that you’re worth more than glitter and gold.

I wanted to share my highest praise with you so that you knew what was on the other side waiting for you. I wanted to share my highest praise with you so that you knew you were worthy.

In all of my experiences it led me to this moment of realization, the realization that I can create whatever reality I wanted.

I can be as free as the bird that flies in the sky. I’m already as free by shedding energies that don’t belong, learning that things happen to us to learn not to hold onto it. The only thing that hinders you is YOU. You allow your brain to lead not realizing you’re just in survival mode. Barely surviving because you feel a piece of you dying a slow miserable death.

When does it end? When will you make the choice to want to live? Where do you find your freedom? When will you forgive yourself? When will you learn that everything is okay?

This is not an easy task, but it’s more than worth it. There will be fight back, you’ll think you’re going crazy, you’ll feel like you’re not worthy but you’re more than good enough. No one is as good as you. You’re uniquely made, who could live your life better than you?

Let go of the fears that consume you, allow the light to shine through. Let go of the pain that you’ve endured it doesn’t belong in the same space as your greatness.

Be great in everything you do! Smile until it doesn’t hurt anymore, let it become natural. Tell yourself that you’re good even through the tears because guess what you are good.

There’s NO day that compares to your worse day. And you survived!

I look at her in a new light. I see the beauty that she’s always had in her, but there’s something in my alignment that makes me see her innocence. I see her in a new light she no longer has to have the responsibility of guiding me. She no longer has to bare the weight of why I choose to live. In her settle statements she allows me to know that she trusts me and she’ll follow.

A weight that she should’ve never had to carry, but she did it with such grace. A child with such a big heart she’ll do everything in her power to not to be an inconvenience. I’ll do everything in my power to make sure she’ll never have to learn the lessons that I had to learn. I’ll teach her how to be complete before going out into the world. She’ll continue being a better version of herself at 8 years old because I’ll continue to be a better version of myself. She’ll learn all the things I’ve had to learn at 31.

I have to say I am truly the most blessed when it comes to this child. Her resilience, her emotional intelligence, her ability to love like no other, the one that allows Angels to speak through her. The amount of everything wrapped up in a little body. I wish I could find the words that do her justice, but she’s bigger than any word than I could ever imagine.

She’s no longer my guiding light, I see her in a new light and it’s wrapped up in her innocence and love.

I went to the grocery store. Yea I said I went to the grocery store. The look of perplexity says it all. Let me explain first, I’m not the most self-loving person nor do I do the little things like going to the grocery store alone. Let me also explain that I’ve been in a relationship for the last 9 years and became a we instantly, who needs to go to the store alone when you’re a we? That relationship ended and my bestfriend instantly took over coming to the store with me. Here I am again not having to go to the store alone. I hope that you’re following just a bit, but if not that’s ok too. Let me explain a little more I’m proud of myself for going to the store alone, I’m proud of myself for wanting and allowing it to be become a habit. I think that people do this small task all of the time they can’t understand why to me it’s such a big deal. I just want everyone to realize it is a big deal and the times that you dont think you’re doing something for yourself remember this story and remember that you do things for yourself all of the time. Remember that there is someone who has massive anxiety in living her truth in the smaller details, remember that there is someone that’s learning how to be there for herself and to take care of herself. Remember to not take the small things for granted because that small thing to you means the world to someone else.

I have to tell you, I went to the grocery store and I never felt so alive.

The day you passed away it felt like my soul was ripped out of my body, and was taken with you. How could someone go on when they couldn’t recognize themselves in the mirror? The scariest few seconds ever to think that there was no reason to live.

Until the thought of Her saved me. She became my reason, but I couldn’t abuse her because she shouldn’t have to hold that type of responsibility. She can take my hand and guide me but she still had to have the freedom to be Her.

My soul was in a battle and who’s to say you didn’t take the better part of me to do a reconstruction. You shined the brightest lights on each part of me that made me a better version of myself. I was forced to face every dark truth that had consumed me. I had to face it and let it go because essentially there was no room for the negativity.

She’s my Angel in the flesh as she continues to show me, as she continues to be patient with me, as she continues to be understanding. You’re my Angel watching over me, the one that lights up my steps to show me the way. The one that pulls me in the right direction.

These two are mine and I could hold onto them forever, but I know eventually I’ll have to let them both go. Let them fly to freedom the same freedom they’ve allowed me.

This song Let me be by Sara Niemietz has all new meaning to me.

A snippet of the lyrics:

If you don’t want to come along

You should let me be

Let me be

Everything I am

Let me be

Wild and free

Let me be

Myself again

You can’t change how people feel about you but what you can do is change how you feel about yourself. There comes a time where you have to truly put yourself first in order to find your own peace.

All of the test that got me to this place of understanding is nothing compared to this one. I heard myself through everything I had peace and knew I was coming out on top and that i just had to do it. I’m in the darkness again but this time it’s me and me alone. I can’t hear myself and it scares me the most.

Chaos is what I feel, i feel like an engine stall on a plane flying at high altitude needing to land in order to maintain myself. I know once I do the necessary maintenance I’ll fly higher and higher.

I just need to be wild and free without the constraints of anyone or anything else. I need to find a solution to each relationship I’m having a problem with.

What I need is to come out on top bigger and better. I have to find my way and I always do, I wont lie and say this will be a walk in the park or to even say that I won’t have my days. One thing is for certain I just need people to let me be so I could become a better version of myself.

Your perception of me almost became my truth. Everything you said threw me into a frenzy had me questioning everything that I had ever done. Questioning who I was and if I were as bad as of a person that I felt like I were in that moment.

Your perception of me almost became my truth. Which is crazy to me because I’m not responsible for the way you experience me. I’m not responsible for how you take in my decisions. The way you experience me should have no bearing on me.

The reason why I let it this time is because I love you and take everything you say and internalize it. This time you threw me in a frenzy and I had to find a way to break through all of your words. In breaking through I realized I’m not responsible for the way you or anyone else experiences me.

I won’t take on the responsibility of trying to convince someone of how I’m experiencing life because my experience is mine and mine only. My truth is mine and mine only. I can’t be held down by your perception of me. Your experience of me can not become my truth.

People can stand in the same room, same event and still mix up details or have different accounts of what happened. It’s all about what you choose to see. I can’t make you see what I see and I no longer care to try to especially when I’m not responsible for how you experience me. I know you love me and just want the best for me, but your perception of me almost became my truth. That’s where I have to draw lines for myself because if i learned anything out of this conversation i learned I’m not responsible for the way you experience me.