I need to write only if to ramble. To clear my mind of this weight of nothingness. Getting lost in a space of constant chatter but no one is saying anything. I’m tired, but who needs sleep anyway. Who needs sleep when you’re getting lost in nothingness.

I haven’t written in awhile and when I tried there were too many confusing thoughts. Too many different stories so they were all left undone. Almost ready to erase so I can’t be witness to the incompleteness which are my thoughts. Witnessing my complancey that I’m fighting hard to get out of, witnessing all that is wrong. See that’s my mind playing tricks on me because there really isn’t anything wrong I’m just tired.

Look how easy it was to ramble just to clear my mind of nothingness. Sorting out the things that don’t really matter. Long story short I need a nap.

Here I am is in a space of complacency a space of just being falling into routine and not wavering from that. Here I am is in a space of grey and dullness. Here I am is in a space of anger because I can do more. Here I am is in a space of tiredness beyond belief. Here I am is in a space of seeing no movement and feeling stuck. Here i am is in a space of wanting more but not doing more. Here i am is in a space of knowing better but not doing better. Here I am is in a space of thinking about goals and it stopping there. Here I am is in a space i no longer want to be. Although I have this desire to be more I just can’t get out of whatever this is. So here I am.

(Take a step back)

Holding your bleeding heart in my hand stretched out in front of the both of us.

(You feel like you’re suffocating but I promise I got you)

(Look me in the eyes)

Let me tell you. Every beat that’s in my hand is your purpose. (Breath you got this)

(Dont look down there’s nothing for you there)

Hear your heart crying because she loves so deeply. Jaded by the circumstances of things of the past.

(Shhh you have to listen)

She’s telling you a story of where it began. She’s telling you she doesn’t want to hold onto it any longer. She’s telling you that its crowded in there. She’s telling you she wants to break free. She’s telling you that she knows it hurts, she knows it’s painful but this is worse. She’s telling you that you’re strong enough to get through. She’s telling you begging you just need to listen.

She’s telling you she doesn’t want to just survive anymore she wants to live. Live free of this hurt that no longer matters, no longer plays a part in anything. She’s telling you she finally knows beautiful because she’s met ugly. She’s telling you that she cant be perfect but she’ll be damn near. She’s telling you just to listen to her when you can.

(Look at her because she’ll show you)

She screams look at me, look at me please look at me.

(Don’t turn your head you have to look). I know I may look ugly but I promise it’s a coat. It’s a shield of armor to keep out the darkness. I swear there’s light in here I promise. (Breath you got this). Why can’t you look at me? Who told you that you weren’t worthy? Who made you believe you were nothing? Please just look at me. Tears roll down your face, I know I sent them. That’s the only way you’ll feel me. Please just look at me. I’m not ugly I promise. You get glimpses of what I can show you. Keep it with you until you’re ready.

(Times running out)

Jaded heart just wants to be free but she has to go back like a caged bird. Jaded heart wants to be loved, not convenient or comfort love. Jaded heart wants you to see her, wants you to love her, wants you to tell her she’s beautiful despite the years of beatings. Jaded heart is as beautiful as she was when she first started. She loves so deeply and so passionately.

(Take her back)

And nurture her. Cultivate all the good inside of her. Break every wall that’s binding her. She’s not ugly she’s beautiful. Keep her with you always.

(Breath, I know you feel like you’re suffocating but I promise I got you)

I killed myself once, and that’s why I’m not afraid to die because I know I get another chance to get it right. Maybe not in that life but the next.

I killed myself once with that death all of my dreams never came to fruition. That’s why I can’t see anything through, I dream and I stop because I killed myself once.

I killed myself once and seen the pain I’ve caused everyone around me and that’s why my will is so strong now.

Soul lessons in each life, taking bits and pieces from each experience. I killed myself once and learned that although everything stopped in that life I kept going.

I killed myself once because I was afraid of what I was becoming or not becoming. The greater part of me, but I wasn’t ready for something so great I didn’t learn enough I wasn’t strong enough.

In killing myself once I learned how strong I truly was and took it into my next life. Still afraid of my greatness only because there are still lessons to be learned and realized, but this time it’s different.

I’m learning that I’m built for everything that’s thrown my way. I’m learning that fear is only of the mind and there are no limits. I’m learning that my greatest fear right now right here is not tapping into the best part of me. Letting my death go in vain.

I killed myself once but never could that happen again.

When two becomes one is when life begins and you’re truly alive. When you can accept life comes with death is when you’ll learn to live. When you know happiness because you’ve met sadness. When you know being rich because you’ve met being poor. With ups there’s downs. Two spectrums of life can never live in the same space. How do you choose to live? It’s easy to get stuck in the lesser, but are you really living? When two becomes one is when life begins. Acceptance is key, accept the fact that when life seems to be the worse it could only flip to be better. Never get too comfortable in the space you’re in because in an instant it could be gone. When two becomes one is when life begins and you’re truly alive.

I can’t say this journey will be easy, I cant say seeing the bigger picture is easy while you’re drowning. The only thing you can do is try and find the brightside of it all. With every situation there’s a silver lining the reason behind it all.

Hate the feeling of misery so much that there becomes no alternative to finding the brightside. We know what misery feels like, aren’t we ready to feel the joy life has to offer?

Two spectrums can’t live in the same space. So which do you choose to live in?

The other day was hell for me it was busy, everyone was pulling me in each direction needless to say I was aggravated and annoyed. Then I realized it was me to start, it was my energy that was attracting everything coming my way. Once I realized that I had two choices I could either change my mindset or keep having the same energy and same bad day. Long story short I decided to stay in that space and dealt with the consequences of my “actions” while having to remind myself that it was my fault and I could’ve changed the outcome.

The very next day came and I was fine my energy whole I decided that I couldn’t feed that part of me two days in a row, so no matter what the day brought I just had to remind myself to look straight ahead and keep going no need to get caught up in things happening around me.

Remember don’t get caught up in things that are going on around you the only thing that you’re in control of is your actions and reactions.

How do you plan on spending your day?

I have to say I miss my father I miss him for everything he was and wasn’t.

The bits and pieces I didnt know because I didn’t care to know. The pieces of him that made me who I am.

How could that be when i didn’t know him. How could he make me who I was when I didn’t truly know who he was. Is that why I’m blind to pieces of me because I can’t see him in me.

When I do feel him coursing through my veins it’s never the good part of me always the selfish part. The most unloving part. How can that be when he gave me the best of him when he could.

Maybe the effort wasn’t enough in my eyes, maybe he wasn’t enough, maybe I wasn’t enough to be loved like a daughter should be.

I miss the mother I feel like I never had or don’t remembering having because so much has happened.

So much love felt undone but how can someone love another when they don’t love themselves. She raised me to the best of her abilities but it feels like it was from obligation not because that’s what she wanted.

I feel like an orphan with nowhere to run who could I cry to when the one person that’s supposed to wipe away your tears looks at you like whatever.

So much pain in the depths of my soul created by two who couldn’t love themselves.

Why should I seek anything from anyone when two souls left me undone.

Unfinished business from the one that loved me unconditionally. But his business was done it had to be so that I could find the love within myself for myself. From two souls who left me undone.

He said that not everyone deserves love. I told him that was a lie the ones that you feel less deserving is the ones who need it most.

The ones that never received it, the ones that couldn’t find it for themselves.

How could some people deserve love and not others just because you were jaded.

Think of all the change that could happen if everyone deserved love. Instead of picking and choosing who to open up to.

The hard ones to love are the ones who need it most. Open yourself slowly so you dont break against their wall. But open wide enough that they can see your light in their dark.

Who are we to say who deserves to be loved when everyone deserves it. Be the person you needed the most. The more you love others the more you’ll find love within yourself.

Deconstructing this idea of what we’re supposed to be or better yet who we are supposed to be.

Ignorance is bliss but to what extent? Is it so much better to not see yourself or others around you? To not have a care in the world because it’s much easier that way.

Who are we as a whole? Do you even know who you were before the pain set in? Do you even know before you allowed someone to shape your perception of yourself?

Is it so much wiser to be blind to yourself? Your greatest potential. Would you much rather mask it with things that dont matter. The things that mute you, the things that blind you from your true self.

Reconstructing this idea of what and who we are.

Building yourself back up from the “broken” pieces of you. Finding the light in the darkness because your demons no longer satisfy that part of you.

Longing for something more, knowing you deserve something more. Figuring out every which way possible to get it.

Finding that thirst for knowledge because ignorance is no longer enough.

Feeling this strong urge to change but you dont know what. The good thing about that is you can change anything.

We know nothing stays the same so who said you had to.

Reconstructing this idea of what and who we are.

My friend felt compelled to draw me this picture we discussed it for awhile and we both expressed what we thought it meant.

The closer I looked it seemed that good ideas are always muddled by other things that get in the way, never allowing you to see the dream clear enough.

I don’t think that is was a good enough analysis because that picture haunted me for a good week anytime I closed my eyes there it was. Until i asked the question what does it mean? because at that point I needed to know.

Fear and Doubt that’s what the two fish represent. It became clear that no matter what kind of idea you had if there was fear and doubt muddling your thoughts you would never execute anything.

Fear can be paralyzing so much so that you’d rather sit there in the abyss than to make any move in particular. You’d rather stay in a space that serves you no good. You rather stay in a space that makes you sick.

How do you breakthrough that fear?

You take one step one little step that will lead to your wildest dreams. Don’t be consumed by the end result you haven’t gotten there YET. Don’t forget it’s ok to stand up and sit back down for a moment to gather yourself but you can’t stay down.

Doubt can make you feel like you’re not worthy of anything good so why even try.

How can you be self loving and trusting of yourself with so much doubt? Remember, who deserves anything good if not you?

I doubted myself so much because all of my decisions were based on other people and how they felt. I had to decide that my ideas are just as good as anyone else’s. I had to decide that if it didn’t feel right to me then I wasn’t doing it no matter how someone felt.

I contemplated this blog for a while and I never made the move because of fear and doubt, but one day I felt compelled and there was no alternative my flip switched from fear and doubt to NO THIS is what is going to happen.

What drives you to overcome fear and doubt? Where does the idea of you don’t deserve more stem from?

There’s nothing to fear than fear itself the worse that can happen is a no, but we’ve all been told no before and we didn’t die.

Breakthrough the doubt of your mind because I can guarantee you that you’re the only one that feels like you can’t do it. Trust me there is someone out there rooting for you.