She is knocking on Heaven’s door while still trying to play with the devil.

She’s screaming God; please let me in. I’ve had enough.

Rebirth me God, please take me with you. Screaming and shouting, God, where are you?

I’ve learned all there is to know; I promise I’ll be good Lord, please deliver me from this place.

They are knocking on the door to Heaven while still playing with the devil.

I’ve healed Lord. I promise I have; you watched me walk through hell to get here.

I know I stayed here too long. I thought that was what was being asked of me.
No regrets, Lord; I did what I thought was right. I banged on this door as you watched me plead for mercy.

I see now, Lord. There’s nothing left for me here. I healed in the devil’s darkness, and I’m ready for the divine light.

I now know, Lord, I couldn’t live in both places; I couldn’t have both in my heart.

I choose the light over darkness. That’s what you’ve been calling me to do.

I see now God, it all makes sense. I promise it does.

She’s knocking on Heaven’s door bc she now knows that’s where she belongs.

Imagine a room with boxes and stuff everywhere” neatly” placed but things about.

Then somehow, this box that held all of my dark thoughts and secrets cracked and leaked and touched everything in my mind.

Now there is complete sadness bc this sadness touched everything.

Who is going to clean this mess? I had to. I had to touch everything and see if it was worth keeping or throwing out.

Little by little, I organized.

I organized so well that I have file cabinets in my mind. I see a desk, and I see file cabinets.

I can recall things from single words.

File 2575 keyword (beer) and I can remember a whole conversation wrapped around beer

File 6356 keyword (muse), and I can go back to a poem I wrote years ago. That’s how my brain operates lol

Healing starts when you’re willing to touch everything.

I hope that before 2020 ends, you can reflect and say you gave it your best shot and made some dreams come true. I hope that by the end of 2020, you realized how temporary things are, and nothing is what it seems. I hope that in 2020 you didn’t wait for something to happen and went out and made it happen. I wish for you that there weren’t any excuses, and you learned how to adapt. Despite witnessing the crumble of everything you knew prior, I hope that you found a piece of you.

I was in search of love. More importantly, love for me. I had to dive in deep to find where it went, and when I saw it, I found God.

Do you know the quote?

“I searched for God and found only myself. I searched for myself and found God only.”

• Rumi.

I read the Bible years ago, and as comforting as it was, something was missing. I asked God for the truth, and what I found was amazing. I found the language of the universe, and I found the language of religions and spiritual beliefs. I took what I learned and applied them to my life as best as I could. I learned so much that I forgot about God. As I forgot about God, I felt lost and confused. I believed in everything and nothing at all. I planted my feet on the ground and asked God for another chance. This time I was thrown inside of myself. I was thrown into my darkness and was told to figure it out.

I eventually figured it out. I figured out how to heal myself and connect to my spirit. I learned how to love myself and love others. The more I understood myself, the more I understood others. The more I forgave myself, the more I forgave others. Is any of this sounding familiar?

Let me break it down. The love for myself led me back to God. God, in any form, is love; the highest vibration of the universe is love. I also found in my studies that Jesus was everywhere before I lose some of you hear me out.

Jesus was the word of God in human form. The word of God is love, but check this out, I was prompted to reread the Bible, this time through the lens of the universe’s language. Everything started to click and connect. The veil Jesus was speaking about. The use of the terms god that he used. All of it.

You know how your spirit is energy, and energy moves through everything. The nature of God connected to your heart asks you to embody Christ, not the man, but the Consciousness.

Embody love so that you can be love.
Embody forgiveness so that you can forgive.
Embody understanding so that you can understand.
Embody the freedom of Christ so that you can be free.

After all, it all boils down to love.
Let’s not forget love is the highest vibration of the universe. Law of Attraction says you attract what you are.

I hate feeling vulnerable there. I said it. That statement may seem weird because I am usually open and honest about how I think, but those are the parts of me I want you to see.

Vulnerability makes me uncomfortable, and what I am about to tell you makes it more painful, but that’s how I know it has to happen.

My greatest fear.

My greatest fear is not a failure; how can it be when failure isn’t an option? Do you know what option is? My fear of being great. The fear of knowing that I could conquer the world, the fear of knowing I could be the light someone needs, the fear of knowing I could make a difference, the fear of knowing that I could be the change. That’s scary for someone who is used to living in the shadows.

Now let me tell you something else. I can’t fail if I wake up every day and do the things that are “expected” of me. There is no failing in that respect. I can lay my head on the pillow and get a great night’s sleep.

The problem comes when I am only doing what is “expected.” Not pushing myself past my limitations, not touching a piece of my greatness, not building the structure where I already have a strong foundation. That’s what keeps me up at night.

For me to say I don’t trust my abilities is the equivalence of saying I don’t trust God, for I am only an extension of such great power.

How can I be afraid when I know everything is on the other side of the door? That’s it; everything is on the other side of the door. There will be no time to second guess; there will be no time to think I can skate by in life.

Stepping into my power is stepping into my purpose. I just laughed to myself because what’s the sense of knowing you could conquer the world and won’t. What’s the importance of knowing you could be light but keep yourself dim. What’s the purpose of knowing you could be the change but won’t.

Things get uncomfortable when it’s time to move.

What’s your greatest fear?

I had a vision the other night.

I saw myself burying gold bars. A few people came around me and asked what I was doing.
I said, im burying the gold. They said it’s daytime; people can see you.

I said they’re supposed to see me. The gold isn’t for me to keep, but they will have to dig for it themselves.

What is your vision for your life?
What dreams do you see?
What is your passion?
What is hiding under your pain?

What does your life look like without it being contingent on anything outside of you?
If money wasn’t an issue?
If what your family and friends thought weren’t an issue?
What would you consider the best version of yourself?
Are you there?

There is an energy that needs to be tapped into. I see and feel it pulling on some; you just have to answer the call.

The truth is I am a visionary. I see things beyond reality. My mind pieces together things that aren’t naturally connecting. My inner hearing is louder than the words anyone outside of me can speak. I was asked how I could tell the difference between thoughts and messages. I said, my thoughts bring chaos and confusion. The messages bring clarity and peace.

It is the Yin to the Yang. It is allowing the mother to live. Without the vision, there is no life. Without dreams, there is no movement. The mother gives birth to all ideas. It is her that manifest things into reality. It is her guidance that whispers in your ear. It is her guidance that keeps you safe.

To honor thy Father, you have to honor thy Mother.

Before I came here to tell you this, I realized I would shy away from my gifts because I thought it would make me look crazy.

How can I care what people think when honoring the Divine Feminine(yin) has afforded me freedom?

Today I honor her; today, I follow with no fear. Today i honor myself bc I am the Divine Feminine.

Today there is a full awakening!

I can only tell you what I saw.

The moonlight is as bright as it could be. I was dancing with the ones who came before me. Each one is reminding me that death is not real because they all live inside of me. I carry them as if they were my children. They guide me as elders ought to. They remind me of my power. They remind me to pick my chin up. They remind me that I am royalty. They remind me that I am magic.

They rejoice because I can feel them. My ancestors sing because I am the one who they have been waiting for. The one who would save herself to save them too.

As we dance around the fire, I see you lurking in the shadows. That’s what we’ve become accustomed to; one is in the shadows while the other gets the light.
This isn’t just for me; no, the heat from the flame pulls you in closer and closer. It whispers your name until you have no choice but to come forth.

Come forth, come forth, you know you want to come forth. The whispers get louder. Come forth, come forth, you know it’s time to come forth. The sound of the music in your heart is getting louder; it draws you to the flame.

Rejoice because she’s almost to the light. You look back, but all you see is darkness. Rejoice, rejoice. You’re almost there.

I dance in the freedom of the flame, the flickering of the embers—the embers where we both came.

You stop and stare as if you can’t see who’s there for you. Then you remember the strength of the women who came before you. You remember they went to the beat of their drum. You remember they couldn’t be stopped. You remember even when you thought they were weak, they showed you strength, not even men possess.

They whisper to you to come. It’s safe. They say dance in the freedom of the flame. Dance until you set yourself free. Hear the beat of your drum and march.

They start real low.

It’s time; it’s time (louder) its time; it’s time((louder)) IT’S time; IT’S time (((louder))) IT’S TIME; IT’S TIME ((((louder)))) TO COME ALIVE, COME ALIVE, COME ALIVE.

AND LIVE!!

…and then she transformed and spread her wings!

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As I connect to this rose in my mind’s eye, I can dissect it from the outside to inside out.

The thorns that protect the smoothness of the stem. Only a few brave souls attempt to pick it—the smoothness from the stem connecting to the delicate petals. Did you think it could get any more beautiful than that? Look closely; you could see the veins that run through the petal, the vibrancy of the colors that make people stop and stare. The deeper you go inside of this rose, you’ll notice layers upon layers, and then there is life. You’ll realize that the thorns were protecting the life inside of this rose, the life waiting for its turn to blossom.

As I step out of the rose, I step outside of myself. I see the beauty of every piece that makes one—layers upon layers that breed new life.