What your mind tells your heart is this is what you deserve. Paying for your past mistakes through the lens of self-hate. You’ve hurt people along your way so now you think karma is in full effect.

You deserve everything thing bad that comes your way because you can’t see all of the beautiful things that you produce, trampled by the self-hate.

If for a minute you see the light that mind of yours dims the light. Telling you that you’re not worthy of anything good. Telling you that you’ve damaged people on your journey, so why do you think you deserve better?

Looking in the mirror you can’t even see yourself all you see is imperfections in the lens of self-hate. Damaged by your own mind that reflects nothing good.

Self-hate will keep you in spaces that you don’t belong. It’ll keep you in the darkest corner where you feel you can’t come out. Self-hate is your mind playing tricks on you.

How can you be so sure you don’t deserve more when you’ve learned to produce such beautiful things? Having to forgive yourself and others like you because only in that can you dissolve the self-hate.

Lost souls trying to find their way home. The push and pull between right and wrong, knowing the right direction but going against your true self.

Lost souls trying to connect to each other in a world with such disconnect. Fighting against the system just to be one. Fighting against everything to return home.

Lost souls trying to find the answers to life not realizing they are the answer. Being muted by hurt, by drugs, by anything that means them no good.

Looking at itself like they aren’t worthy but that’s not your soul speaking that’s your mind telling you you’re less than.

Lost souls trying to connect to find their way home blinded by the hate that doesn’t serve them any good. Searching for the missing piece of the puzzle the puzzle that makes them whole.

Got caught in the rain, feels like exactly what I needed.

I know people looking like I’m crazy, but I’m looking at them how could you not enjoy this. I love the rain that washes away the dirt and pain. The rain that makes things grow, how can I not want to be apart of that?

How could I not want a cleansing even if it’s only for a few minutes. How can I not be one with nature in that moment getting the same life the plants and animals are getting.

Water dries but for what you get in that moment nothing compares. Nothing compares to God’s love, the love of nourishment, the love of a cleanse.

My heart has a song inside of her but she can’t quite find her voice. She writes and adds to this song daily but has no one to hear it. She lies maybe there are people to hear it maybe she’s more afraid than anything.

Her artwork is beautiful but she clams up at the thought of someone seeing it.

Ok maybe I’m lying when telling this story. My heart is more than ready for the world to see her. She’s fought so hard to be free of this space of judgment and lack of love. She just wants the world to see her thrive because she deserves it. She broke through the armor that once had her bonded her light burst out from the inside.

She tells me I told you that I was beautiful you just had to see it for yourself and for once I can truly say i see it. I can also see that she deserves everything she desires. We’re walking as one no longer trying to quiet her voice no longer trying to erase her song as she writes.

She just wants to pour herself out for those that will hear her. She’ll also continue knocking on the armor of the hearts around her until they hear her and find a way to breakthrough.

You see something in me that I don’t see in myself. Maybe I’m too smart for my own good but can’t be that smart because I’m not making the right choices. I’m coasting and you’re pushing. You’re pushing me too see what I could be, you’re pushing me to become more than I think I could. All I could do is thank you but not thank you with just words because words are words and they mean nothing. I have to show you I hear you, I have to show you you’re not wasting time, I have to show you that I can potentially see the light that you see. I can no longer be a waste of talent. I can no longer be what I am now. There’s so much more that I could do. You want me to make goals little do you know I have them but they’re stuck in my mind so I guess I don’t. You push me to be more than I am now and for now I’ll say thank you but I’ll show you thank you more with my actions.

Having the right people in your circle can change your life for the better if you let it. Allowing people to see that you’re flawed and allowing them to show you what’s right. The push and pull game because you want it you’re just afraid to get it. One day, it comes down to how bad do you want it? Do you want it bad enough that you’re willing to lose yourself to find the better you?

Going in a downward spiral until it all makes sense. Facing every fear realizing that you were silly for being afraid in the first place. How could you be afraid when I’m sure you faced something so much worse?

Having to give yourself the credit that you truly deserve. I had to realize that I needed and deserved so much more. In allowing the right people in my corner it made me want to be better, not for them but for me.

But I will forever be grateful and thankful.

You need me and once upon a time I needed you too. There’s a strong difference between need and want though. While you need me your want for her is stronger bc let’s face it whoever really does the thing that they need to do.

I needed you and didn’t want him so there was nothing holding me back. I needed you until everything became better and I healed myself. There is nothing in me that needs you but everything in me that wants you.

But I will not feed your needs while you feed your wants. Eventually the craving and giving into wants leaves you empty bc you did nothing that you needed to do. Starving for more bc you deplete yourself of all things. You know that shiny thing that looks so pretty from afar you know the thing people choose over water choose over life yea that thing. That thing brings nothing but a good time even in that sometimes it can’t even be that.

In my needing you I’ve learned to fetch my own water to harvest something so beautiful. Plant my own garden so that I wouldn’t need to look for someone else, never looking for the next shiny thing because I am the star.

I had a thought on the walk in.

Do you truly think you hate yourself when you’ve found the beauty within.

For once in your life you’re able to look in the mirror and see you.

You dont shy away like before.

You know what you have to offer people when before you thought nothing at all.

Never do you think you’re ugly like before.

You see the beauty in your eyes, in your smile, and in your nose.

You see the beauty in your body you’re not critical like before.

Even when you were small you were afraid to get fat you were so critical of the smallness.

When you gained weight you didn’t feel like yourself but you didn’t really realize how much it didnt affect you.

Now back to your natural self you love it even more.

Sometimes you have to lose to gain.

You gained the confidence you never had before.

No one can tell you anything about the way you look because you’re secure.

Anything that you change now is for you.

You know how intelligent you are you just haven’t learned to apply it.

You naturally learn and soak up information like a sponge.

But what’s the point of obtaining knowledge if you don’t use it.

You’ve become less judgmental because you know everyone has a story.

Complancey kills you slowly because you know you’re so much more.

The Cry

Screams in the darkness getting louder and louder. Fighting to breathe fighting to live. Feeling all alone with nowhere to turn. The essence is fading and we dont know where it’s going. Screaming to be free but she’s getting weaker and weaker by the moment demons feasting on her as if it’s their last meal. She screams one more agonizing scream. (Then complete darkness)

The Life

Living to survive because that’s what we’re taught to do. Never dream for more than your means can afford. A life filled with stifled thoughts, a life filled with any vice that’ll kill that voice that knows right. Letting your ego/mind lead because its protected you the most. You trust it more than your true self. You allow it to take hold of everything that is you….. until you’re suffocating and fading into the darkness (glimpse of light)

The Battle

Drawn to the light like a moth to a flame. Willing to risk it all so that you could live and be free. Free of pain, free of everything that holds you back. Fighting every demon imaginable just to live in that light. Not knowing which direction to run in, but you know you have to run. The darkness calling your name so sweetly telling you to come it promises it’s safe. We’ve lived together for so long, how could you want to leave me now? You fall back as if you fall into a trance being blinded by the things that you’ve become accustomed to. The light screams your name in order to wake you from the nightmare you jolt back up to run and find it.

The duality of self is the battle within two could never live as one.

So the question is which do you choose?

You do not get to complain about the choices that you make. That’s not quite how that works free time means your time if it doesn’t fit into what you want then don’t do it, but you do not get to complain about the choices that you make.

We’re at work and want to complain I mean fine it’s a bit annoying, but it happens. No one is holding us hostage wait our responsibilities are scratch that it’s almost worse than having a gun to your head. Still you know we’re here making the best of it. So we can complain.

You do not get to complain about the choices that you make. Oh having a miserable time, can’t seem to understand why you just won’t go, can’t truly stand the person that you’re with but yet here we are complaining about the choices that you make.

I had to seriously learn that lesson either I was going to leave or I was going to continue complaining, but after awhile I got tired of hearing my mouth. My daughter said to me she was upset because she chose to go to a party instead of hanging out with my aunt. She told me she missed her and wanted to see her.

I said well listen you made your choice and maybe it was the wrong one, but you made it, you dont get to sit here and be mad and have an attitude with everyone around you. In that moment I had to internalize that message for myself because how dare I choose misery and sit in it then complain about it.

How many times can we really make a decision that doesn’t suit our best needs? How many times can we actually sit in a choice of unhappiness and expect anyone to want to hear it?

So honestly I ask you to think before you complain because chances are someone’s day may not be that great.

I can’t sleep. Mind overwhelmed with joy and sense of accomplishment. Reminding myself to be careful with what I speak because I’m in the process of manifesting everything that comes to mind and out of my mouth.

Joy of peace, joy of love, joy of saying I’m going to do something and actually following through.

If you knew me then you would know that it’s such a big deal. Issues with commitment so there’s never any follow through. This time I did it! And I couldn’t be more proud. Still a work in progress but the big picture is complete.

I’m becoming more complete each day. The more time I take for myself to do the thing I love the most the happier I am.

Overwhelmed with Joy and love. Love for myself and love for others.

I act as if I don’t work tomorrow and I don’t have an early start but to me, right now nothing else even matters.

I just want to scream at that top of my lungs that I did it! And I feel complete. Still a work in progress so I have to control myself, but good God I’m good.

And this is not to boast but this is truly the first time in life that I felt this way. So right now I have to bask in the glory knowing that I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing.

Giving thanks because for so long I never have. Always feeling like i did it all alone but now i feel the gratitude radiating through my entire being. So with the most humbleness i can find i say thank you, but not only thank you also patting myself on the back because I did it!

Just want to scream at the top of my lungs, but for now this will do.

Still a work in progress, but right here right now I’ll bask in the glory.