Starting this journey has made me realize how much pain I really had deep inside of me. The ugly truths that I never knew I had to face.

One of those things were neglect and feeling like I had to figure out life by myself. Having only one parent you would think they would try to make up for the absence of the other. That wasn’t necessarily the case. Living with a parent that didn’t come from love so they had no idea how to show it. Coming from a parent that didn’t want kids from the start but ends up having two. Feeling like you’re being raised out of guilt because it’s something they had to do.

All of these feelings are buried inside of me the surface wants to understand because of the lack of love that was received love couldn’t be given. Where is the fairness in that statement? You witness parents doing the complete opposite of what they were shown and then automatically you’re supposed to be forgiving because well you know I didn’t know any other way.

Saying that you did the best that you could under the circumstances seems like a cop out only because you’re not willing to face your truth or to even say sorry. Sorry for not being the person you needed me to be, sorry for not being more understanding, sorry for allowing you to go out into the world not being a complete version of yourself, sorry for not allowing you to dream big, sorry for all of the negativity because that’s all I had to offer.

It burns my soul to speak to you only because of the negativity that you spew. You talk a good game but you don’t even live it. So quick to squash dreams because you have none for yourself, so quick to tell someone that something isn’t going to work because you can’t make things work for yourself, so quick to try to bring someone down to your level instead of trying to help them fly to freedom.

Having to forgive might be the hardest thing because frankly at this point I don’t know what I’m forgiving, at this point I don’t know what I’m having to be understanding of, at this point it’s been so long since I’ve had a parental figure that anything more than what we have right now is not necessary.

But there’s something inside of me that I feel in my entire being that tells me that I have to find a way to work through it all in order to be truly free. Something inside of me that says speak your peace and let it go. Something inside of me says nah we’re good here don’t even worry about it, you go your way and I’ll go mine. Right now that’s not the most realistic because everything in me says that I need to be free.

The anger and frustration that I feel inside of me isn’t healthy. I’ve worked on so much that I can’t let this be the thing that gets swept under the rug. I can’t let this be the thing that holds me back any longer.

I damn sure don’t have to hold onto this animosity that I feel towards you. I also dont have to be so rude when you speak to me either. I’m so quick to respond, but you irritate everything inside of me. That really shouldn’t be the case though. I really shouldn’t allow you to have so much power over me.

I have to find a way to let go of all of these feelings I have toward you. Find a way to speak my peace. Find a way to say nah we’re good here and really mean it. You’re experiences should have no bearing on me and it damn sure shouldn’t affect the way I feel or determine how I live my life.

This journey has grudged up a lot of feelings of pain unknown and here I am entering into my next phase, my next fire to be reborn from the ashes. Not going to lie though this one will burn.

She aggravates my soul, the deepest parts of me. The frustration and irritation that I feel when we have a conversation. A reason why I keep things on a shallow level never will you know the deepest parts of me because you already found a way under my skin.

How can a simple conversation of my plans turn into something that I have to defend? Why are you asking so many questions that don’t concern you? And why are you trying to plant seeds that can’t be planted. Nothing that comes out of your mouth makes me think deeper, nothing about what comes out of your mouth makes me want to change my mind.

The toxicity is astounding. The fact that you have the audacity to feel the need to continue giving me an opinion that was not asked for, the fact that you think I care about anything that you have to say at this point is laughable at best.

At this point I’ve given you too much attention already. Sometimes you have to learn to let people stay where they are. Despite who it is some people can’t always go everywhere with you. Toxicity is the worse thing anyone can deal with, especially when the person on the other end doesn’t see their faults.

I see you though, and in seeing you I can see me keeping ultimate distance. Beautiful thing about life is I have authority over who I allow in my space, beautiful thing is it doesn’t matter the relations if you dont fit I for sure wont force it.

There’s truly only so much one can take, and I’m at that place of and we’re good here.

Know when it’s time to walk.

There’s something about the light that peaks out of the darkness that catches my everytime. I told my mom I said the sky is pretty, she says eh it’s not awe inspiring… I then had to tell her I never said I was in awe I said its pretty.

Then it hit me if we continue waiting for awe inspiring moments or moments that’ll blow our mind then we won’t appreciate the settle things. The settle things that make up our everyday, the things that make us who we are.

Learning how to appreciate the smaller things so that I could fully enjoy life. If I wait for the awe inspiring thing I may never be inspired. What a wasted life that would be a life of continuous waiting. The wait to the next best thing, the wait to appreciate the beauty in something, the wait for something to make you whole.

Be inspired by everything, be inspired by words even if it’s only one word, be inspired by your scenery and if you hate your surroundings be inspired to change it. Constantly be inspired in the smaller details bc those are the moments that make up the bigger picture.

His last name is Rock and in correlation to my life that’s exactly what he’s been. I had to ask myself when did we meet because it was all a blur, but it was an instant connection.

After pondering and digging deep to try and figure out where we first began it all came back. I met him when my cousin passed away and anytime I was ready to crumble, Rock would come around the corner to hold me up and put me back together. Luckily for me he’s been that for me ever since.

He recognizes all of the emotions that flow from my eyes. He tells me everything that I need to hear even when I didn’t ask. Since I rarely listen he always gets to tell me I told you so, pyou could imagine how annoying that could be.

He’s my Rock and confidant, he’s the one that can piece me together when I’m crumbling. He’s the one that I’ll keep forever.

How can I not operate in chaos if it’s the only thing that I’ve known? If I am peace then what difference does it make what’s going on around me?

I am the quiet of the night and the peace in the dawn. I am what I say I am. I am most definitely whoever I say I want to be.

Right now, I am grateful I’m grateful for this peace of the morning’s breeze. I’m grateful that I can stand here alone and listen to the birds sing. I’m grateful that I have an outpouring of gratefulness this morning.

So many times I wake up and forget to be thankful and grateful. I forget that I don’t necessarily deserve the peace that is embedded in me. Yet, here I am able to finally see.

To see and feel my heart’s Joy. To feel everything of gratefulness radiating through me. So, today I’ll live in this in this space, this space of gratefulness.

My barriers are always the feelings that I allow to control me for at least a day. Those feelings that I let control me a second too long. Then I have to laugh at myself because I put up such a roadblock to what could’ve been such a productive day.

My barriers are always what I think I see when in reality I’m actually blind to it all. I think I see in one perspective when in reality I’m completely wrong. That just goes back to my barriers being the feelings that control me for at least a day. Those feelings that I let control me a second too long.

My barriers are actually the fear of trying and being something different for the sake of saving myself. Who am I to save myself when we’ve lived a pretty good 29 years? But now at 31 those years mean nothing they just go back to my barriers being the feelings that control me for at least a day. Those feelings that I let control a second too long.

The barriers of my mind can’t blind me for long. They might get me for a day but that’s a few seconds too long.

The heavens open up even if for a little while. Open up to remind you that your voice is loud, heard loud and clear. The boom that scares people who don’t know any better. The same way your words may be off putting to the ones who dont understand. The same boom that puts others to sleep. The same way your words bring about peace.

The light that strikes across the sky, the light that brightens things up in a moments time. The same as you do when you enter a room. The quiet storm that no one understands. The light that flashes before their eyes wondering if they really seen what they thought they did. Then that boom that comes from a distance to bring the realization that the storm is here. The same way you walk into a room, the same way you speak your words they realize that you’re here.

Your storm can either bring peace or it can destroy. Don’t let the thought of destroying get you down though because in destroying you know how to build back up.

The storm that has always lived inside of you shows you who you are. Why do you think you found your peace in it everytime?

Change my mind to change my heart. Convince me that it’ll be something better on the other side waiting for me. Change my way of thinking so I could change my way of life.

Change my heart from loving you so much to now loving myself more. Change me so that I can become better than yesterday. Change me so that I can see me.

Change my mind to change my heart. Love me so hard that I won’t look for it anywhere else. Change my mind to change my heart so that I’ll align myself with what’s right. Change my mind to change my heart so I don’t have to look for anything else.

Change me for the better.

Children living lives with no hope because their parents thought they were predestined for their conditions.

People searching for freedom but with no guidance leaves everything in a chaotic state.

Red lined by an invisible line but the effects so real caged like animals not expected to turn into monsters.

Deemed lazy and worthless because they can’t get ahead.

Babies having babies because hell what do they know the “pleasure” seems like its worth the pain all the while getting unconditional love from another human at any cost.

Innocence lost because there’s no hope, there’s nothing to lose.

Conditioned to believe that there is no worth in themselves, conditioned to believe that this line is truly holding them back.

Can’t see further than the block because they’re afraid to cross the street. Cross the street where freedom lives.

Willing to die for nothing because they live with no hope for better days.

To live or to love seems like a crazy question. Why would you have to choose? Wouldn’t they coincide with each other? Wouldn’t true love make you feel alive?

What’s really true love when you’re so used to falling for the lesser? The lesser that kills you a bit each time. So I see how you can ask to live or to love. But true love makes you feel alive.

Before you can feel alive you have to heal the damage that the lesser bought upon you. It feels like it’s almost not worth it to feel alive in true love.

To live or to love should never be a question because when it’s true love you’re already alive.