I killed myself once, and that’s why I’m not afraid to die because I know I get another chance to get it right. Maybe not in that life but the next.

I killed myself once with that death all of my dreams never came to fruition. That’s why I can’t see anything through, I dream and I stop because I killed myself once.

I killed myself once and seen the pain I’ve caused everyone around me and that’s why my will is so strong now.

Soul lessons in each life, taking bits and pieces from each experience. I killed myself once and learned that although everything stopped in that life I kept going.

I killed myself once because I was afraid of what I was becoming or not becoming. The greater part of me, but I wasn’t ready for something so great I didn’t learn enough I wasn’t strong enough.

In killing myself once I learned how strong I truly was and took it into my next life. Still afraid of my greatness only because there are still lessons to be learned and realized, but this time it’s different.

I’m learning that I’m built for everything that’s thrown my way. I’m learning that fear is only of the mind and there are no limits. I’m learning that my greatest fear right now right here is not tapping into the best part of me. Letting my death go in vain.

I killed myself once but never could that happen again.

When two becomes one is when life begins and you’re truly alive. When you can accept life comes with death is when you’ll learn to live. When you know happiness because you’ve met sadness. When you know being rich because you’ve met being poor. With ups there’s downs. Two spectrums of life can never live in the same space. How do you choose to live? It’s easy to get stuck in the lesser, but are you really living? When two becomes one is when life begins. Acceptance is key, accept the fact that when life seems to be the worse it could only flip to be better. Never get too comfortable in the space you’re in because in an instant it could be gone. When two becomes one is when life begins and you’re truly alive.

I can’t say this journey will be easy, I cant say seeing the bigger picture is easy while you’re drowning. The only thing you can do is try and find the brightside of it all. With every situation there’s a silver lining the reason behind it all.

Hate the feeling of misery so much that there becomes no alternative to finding the brightside. We know what misery feels like, aren’t we ready to feel the joy life has to offer?

Two spectrums can’t live in the same space. So which do you choose to live in?

The other day was hell for me it was busy, everyone was pulling me in each direction needless to say I was aggravated and annoyed. Then I realized it was me to start, it was my energy that was attracting everything coming my way. Once I realized that I had two choices I could either change my mindset or keep having the same energy and same bad day. Long story short I decided to stay in that space and dealt with the consequences of my “actions” while having to remind myself that it was my fault and I could’ve changed the outcome.

The very next day came and I was fine my energy whole I decided that I couldn’t feed that part of me two days in a row, so no matter what the day brought I just had to remind myself to look straight ahead and keep going no need to get caught up in things happening around me.

Remember don’t get caught up in things that are going on around you the only thing that you’re in control of is your actions and reactions.

How do you plan on spending your day?

I have to say I miss my father I miss him for everything he was and wasn’t.

The bits and pieces I didnt know because I didn’t care to know. The pieces of him that made me who I am.

How could that be when i didn’t know him. How could he make me who I was when I didn’t truly know who he was. Is that why I’m blind to pieces of me because I can’t see him in me.

When I do feel him coursing through my veins it’s never the good part of me always the selfish part. The most unloving part. How can that be when he gave me the best of him when he could.

Maybe the effort wasn’t enough in my eyes, maybe he wasn’t enough, maybe I wasn’t enough to be loved like a daughter should be.

I miss the mother I feel like I never had or don’t remembering having because so much has happened.

So much love felt undone but how can someone love another when they don’t love themselves. She raised me to the best of her abilities but it feels like it was from obligation not because that’s what she wanted.

I feel like an orphan with nowhere to run who could I cry to when the one person that’s supposed to wipe away your tears looks at you like whatever.

So much pain in the depths of my soul created by two who couldn’t love themselves.

Why should I seek anything from anyone when two souls left me undone.

Unfinished business from the one that loved me unconditionally. But his business was done it had to be so that I could find the love within myself for myself. From two souls who left me undone.

He said that not everyone deserves love. I told him that was a lie the ones that you feel less deserving is the ones who need it most.

The ones that never received it, the ones that couldn’t find it for themselves.

How could some people deserve love and not others just because you were jaded.

Think of all the change that could happen if everyone deserved love. Instead of picking and choosing who to open up to.

The hard ones to love are the ones who need it most. Open yourself slowly so you dont break against their wall. But open wide enough that they can see your light in their dark.

Who are we to say who deserves to be loved when everyone deserves it. Be the person you needed the most. The more you love others the more you’ll find love within yourself.

Deconstructing this idea of what we’re supposed to be or better yet who we are supposed to be.

Ignorance is bliss but to what extent? Is it so much better to not see yourself or others around you? To not have a care in the world because it’s much easier that way.

Who are we as a whole? Do you even know who you were before the pain set in? Do you even know before you allowed someone to shape your perception of yourself?

Is it so much wiser to be blind to yourself? Your greatest potential. Would you much rather mask it with things that dont matter. The things that mute you, the things that blind you from your true self.

Reconstructing this idea of what and who we are.

Building yourself back up from the “broken” pieces of you. Finding the light in the darkness because your demons no longer satisfy that part of you.

Longing for something more, knowing you deserve something more. Figuring out every which way possible to get it.

Finding that thirst for knowledge because ignorance is no longer enough.

Feeling this strong urge to change but you dont know what. The good thing about that is you can change anything.

We know nothing stays the same so who said you had to.

Reconstructing this idea of what and who we are.

My friend felt compelled to draw me this picture we discussed it for awhile and we both expressed what we thought it meant.

The closer I looked it seemed that good ideas are always muddled by other things that get in the way, never allowing you to see the dream clear enough.

I don’t think that is was a good enough analysis because that picture haunted me for a good week anytime I closed my eyes there it was. Until i asked the question what does it mean? because at that point I needed to know.

Fear and Doubt that’s what the two fish represent. It became clear that no matter what kind of idea you had if there was fear and doubt muddling your thoughts you would never execute anything.

Fear can be paralyzing so much so that you’d rather sit there in the abyss than to make any move in particular. You’d rather stay in a space that serves you no good. You rather stay in a space that makes you sick.

How do you breakthrough that fear?

You take one step one little step that will lead to your wildest dreams. Don’t be consumed by the end result you haven’t gotten there YET. Don’t forget it’s ok to stand up and sit back down for a moment to gather yourself but you can’t stay down.

Doubt can make you feel like you’re not worthy of anything good so why even try.

How can you be self loving and trusting of yourself with so much doubt? Remember, who deserves anything good if not you?

I doubted myself so much because all of my decisions were based on other people and how they felt. I had to decide that my ideas are just as good as anyone else’s. I had to decide that if it didn’t feel right to me then I wasn’t doing it no matter how someone felt.

I contemplated this blog for a while and I never made the move because of fear and doubt, but one day I felt compelled and there was no alternative my flip switched from fear and doubt to NO THIS is what is going to happen.

What drives you to overcome fear and doubt? Where does the idea of you don’t deserve more stem from?

There’s nothing to fear than fear itself the worse that can happen is a no, but we’ve all been told no before and we didn’t die.

Breakthrough the doubt of your mind because I can guarantee you that you’re the only one that feels like you can’t do it. Trust me there is someone out there rooting for you.

What do you do when you feel helpless and alone? How do you cope and heal from pain that you can’t pin point?

What happens to the body when its consumed by darkness? What happens to the dreams that die in the dark?

What happens when you become not enough? What happens when the people around you can’t help you?

Is ignorance as really blissful as it may seem? Is it better to not see yourself and others around you?

Why should you right because then you don’t have to make moves. Moves to helping yourself and others around you.

You don’t have to find the will to be strong and keep going.

Fighting everything in your body to not be better. Better than yesterday and the day before that. So comfortable in your darkness because your demons love you the most.

But the real question is are you really alive?

I would have to say my journey started years ago I asked myself who are truly and that little voice answered you’re an egotistical bitch.

I thought to myself well damn I thought I was better than that but looking at myself I had to be honest, and realized that I didn’t do anything that didn’t benefit me. There was always an underlying reason for every move I made.

In that moment I started to read the bible daily but after awhile that became not enough. I felt comforted but something else was missing.

No matter what truth I was seeking out I ended up falling into a depression becoming detached from myself and everything around me. I was just going through the motions of life not feeling anything.

Until everything started to go wrong my father passed away a few days after his funeral found out my daughter had a benign brain tumor and would need surgery and chemotherapy. Along with a tremendous amount of loss that year. The following year my cousin, my soul mate my everything passed away and that’s what truly jumped started my journey.

This journey to get back to my true self the one that’s truly connected to God/The universe/The Source whichever feels comfortable to you.

In this journey I started to see who I truly was and where the residual and repressed pain was coming from in order to heal myself.

So I ask you who are you?