Mother Wounds

Mother wounds are a bitch. They are what trauma and nightmares are made of.

The way you look at relationships.
The way you look at yourself.
What you feel like relationships are supposed to be.

Even if she kept her relationships to herself or stayed single, hell even stayed in a bad marriage for the sake of the kids. She showed you that she didn’t think she was worthy of love. She says she doesn’t want to be bothered, but in reality, she stopped trusting herself a long time ago. She’s been hurt too many times, but instead of fixing her problems, she decided to stay the same.

I’ve always had a feeling my mom loved my sister more. My sister felt it was the other way around, but I have proof.

Anyway, what that perception taught me was I had to be okay with any love that I was offered and that it is okay to be second.

She taught me how to be second and be okay with it. She taught me that crumbs were good enough.

I have been okay with second my whole life that even when I get a taste of being first, I’m just waiting for the ball to drop. I’m waiting for the attention to disappear.

I’ve always valued my friends over my family because I felt like my friends loved me more.

And who knows if that’s the case, but they loved me out loud. They told me they loved me and did more than the bare minimum.

See, I grew up in a household where you got the bare minimum in love and maximum in stuff.

So, today I say forget your stuff give me love. I dont want things. I want to be held and touched and kissed, and I want to be loved out loud.

I have always been a secret and okay with it.

I no longer want to be kept a secret.

My mom keeps enough of those.
She’s kept herself a secret as not to be seen or hurt.

I’d rather be hurt until I learn than not to feel anything at all.

I don’t mind crying my eyes out, knowing that I tried.

I’d instead get back up and not lay there and die.

I could see her and feel her pain, but I refuse to live in it with her.

I have done the work; I have looked in the mirror.

And today, I release the ideas that I have to hold onto this mess just because my mother made me.

I Trust

I asked when will the tears stop; she said when the flower blossoms.

“April showers bring May flowers.”

The pain is only temporary. I’ve cried and begged before. Now I’m begging myself for forgiveness.

Once again, asking myself to forgive myself for not understanding even when I knew better.

I could always feel an ending coming. I guess it’s one of my many gifts.

You know today, April 8, is a year since I quit my job. I went against everything that people said and everything that people felt. I had to follow my heart and spirit, and under the circumstances, I had to quit.

Here’s the thing my spirit never lies.

In my heart, I knew I was spending my life with someone.

I would argue until I was blue in the face.

But…

We ended our friendship. So, I sat and questioned everything and processed what I felt.

And I said, but God.

And God says, only when two people become whole could they become one.

Wasn’t I whole in this friendship the way it was going? Or was I repeating the same patterns?

It turns out I was repeating, but when you stop blaming others and look at yourself, you start to realize you were the problem. They were only mirrors of what you were feeling about yourself.

Only when you step away could you see yourself.

Subconsciously, I’ve built these walls around myself and felt like I wouldn’t be whole if I didn’t have certain things.

But…

You know what? Those things don’t define me, but what it does show me is the gift of manifestation through my dreams and my work and my ability to make things happen.

It’s trusting myself and my spirit to put action behind my words without external love.

My spirit doesn’t lie.

“If you love something, let it go free. If it doesn’t come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever.”

Either way, experiencing love is the greatest gift of all. If it wasn’t mine to keep, I still cherish all that it was in the moment.

Trauma Response Cancelled

The child that never wanted to rock the boat. The one that always wanted smooth sailing, even if it came at a price.

The price was more than she could afford. It was constant apologizing even when she did nothing wrong. It was fading into the background, hoping that her quietness was deemed as obedient.

The price was lying on the cold, wet ground allowing people to walk all over her so they wouldn’t get their feet wet. She thought she could handle it better than they could, so she just allowed herself to sink into the ground.

She became a doormat; she became the person people could blame for their troubles even though she sat prim and proper.

She sat quietly as people abused her kindness. She made excuses and said, well, it’s okay. Everyone has their days.

But she thought, when will her day come? Sadly for her, the day never came at that point in her life.

Until the woman emerged from the sunken ground.

I had to learn how to stop apologizing when I wasn’t in the wrong.

I had to stop allowing people to walk all over me.

I set healthy boundaries, and to those affected by it the most gives me immense grief, but you know what, this woman doesn’t care.

My soul becomes fragmented when I put others over myself.

The love I have for others will never change, but what does change is the love that I have for myself.

And the love for you could never surpass the love I have for myself, not anymore.

The child feels guilty, but the woman says, come correct or not at all.

The child says, love me, I’ll be good, I promise. The woman says, love me in my strength and weakness or don’t love me.

The child says I don’t care how you talk to me; the woman says, please think before you speak and give me the most authentic version of yourself because anything less won’t be tolerated.

See, everyone has a breaking point, and I’ve finally reached mine.

Heaven Can No Longer Wait

I put Heaven on hold, hoping to find love in this world.

God said, let me show you something more. I said, God, don’t you mean let me show you two more?

He said no, I mean you. I said, well, no, then I’ll stay here a little longer because there has to be love somewhere.

I waited and got myself prepared and all pretty.

God said, are you ready?  I said no God, just a bit longer.

In my little while longer, I found what felt like perfection.

But I wasn’t perfect.

God said you are perfect. Just come home.

I said, no, God, just let me prove myself a bit longer.

I don’t have the hustle and bustle spirit.

This is what I love about myself because I allow the energy of the universe to flow to me and won’t move until it feels right.

People don’t understand that way of life, which is fine. It’s a hard pill to swallow because it’s not something that you can make sense of.

But if I’m not perfect now, I’ll never be because this is who I am.

This is me. Take it or leave it. I was left on the table, and I continued to tell God not yet.

I’m sure they’ll see me. Look how bright I am shining.

God said, yes, but I can make you shine brighter. I argue and say yea, no, I know, but just a bit longer.

So, I sat for just a bit longer until I said, okay, God, it’s time.

I don’t know when or if goodbye will ever come, but I do know Heaven can no longer wait.

My Wrong Doing

I’ve spent my morning in my head yelling at myself.

It was like a big tap on my shoulder telling me to explain myself and make it make sense.

I knew from an early age that selling things weren’t for me. If you want it, you will buy it, period.

I hate when people try to sell me things I know what I want. If I liked it, you wouldn’t have to open your mouth to sell it to me.

I put a price tag on my business when I knew damn well that I wasn’t supposed to go that route.

But you know what ppl say the power of exchange and the energy and money and all of this stuff.

How could I charge you something that is naturally yours? Helping you find your happiness is not a job. It’s a gift.

I’ve said multiple times that I would give my life for people to feel a fraction of what I felt. So, how could I put a price tag when I already offered my life.

I met this woman, and we became friends, and she said I wish I had the money to pay you because I know you’re coaching me. I said, no, this is just who I am naturally. How could I charge you for being a friend to you?

How can I show you my vulnerability and expect you to do the same and then turn around and say that comes with a price?

I was given the gift of hearing beyond your words. I could feel everything that you’re not saying.

I have the gift of controlling energy and shifting it where it needs to go or understanding that it’s not time to move it.

How in the hell did I allow myself to try to look good on paper when I don’t belong there?

My life will NEVER look good on paper, and frankly, I dont want it to.

My stillness looks like doing nothing to others, but it’s in my silence I can become what you need me to be. It’s my stillness that allows you to feel safe to come as you are because you know there is no judgment.

When I am active is when I think I know what you need, and I am just throwing rocks into the abyss until it hits.

I yelled at myself because I knew with everything in my heart and soul what I had to offer was priceless.

And yet I put a price anyway.

And today, I ask for forgiveness.

But thankful that I have the opportunity to right my wrongs.

Through The Silence

Here’s the day we decided to speak, but instead, I spend it in silence.

A good morning, how are you doing? It doesn’t fall on deaf ears because I could hear you when no words are being spoken.

The silence keeps me company as I learn to navigate through needing nothing and no one but myself.

No overthinking, no worrying, just being.

What is this new feeling? First a date alone and now complete silence where even her mind takes a break?

Woah, who is this new woman emerging from the ashes?

Picking up the pieces that she wants to take with her on the next round of life, leaving everything else behind that no longer serves her.

Some people would be afraid they were losing the person they loved if they desired silence over them.

But not you. You understand the importance of silence and what emerges in the end.

I wrote that and had a smile on my face so big.

I thank you for the silence, and I thank you for the love that speaks louder than words.

The Tree

You ate from the tree that didn’t bear good fruit, and as you watch the tree fall, you don’t know what to do.

You’ll make excuses, and you’ll say, well, they’re only human. You’ll be confused, and you may even joke because, in the end, you realize what you might have done.

You consumed someone who was only human. You took on ideologies that didn’t necessarily align with yours, but it sounds good enough.

The trees will continue to fall; you will continue to be confused. You will continue to make jokes because that lessens the accountability on your part.

In the end.

Well, that’s really up to you.

You already knew what to do before you ate from the tree that didn’t bear good fruit.

Love With No Conditions

We were taught that people love things more than the person in front of them.

So, in our minds, we believe that we have to obtain material things to be loved.

The more you have, the more people will love you.

The sad truth is if we love only people who have things, we miss out on unconditional love.

You know, the love that we could all feel if we learned to put things down.

I know it’s a hard thing to believe. Could you be happy without things? How could this be?

Because happiness could never come from things or what people can do for you.

Love could never be felt through things of the material world.

Things lose value.

The new car off the lot lost value the minute it left the dealership.

Things only have as much value as we believe they do.

Someone from the South will look at someone from the North and say you’re bugging. I’m not paying that much for a house when I could have much more for less.

When we put a value on love, we lose.

You lose yourself because you now put a price on yourself when in actuality, you’re priceless.

You lose the person that could have shown you the true meaning of love and happiness because you felt their love wasn’t worth much without the car and house.

Unconditional love opens us up to worlds beyond the one you could see.

Unconditional love opens us to ourselves.

But I guess we’ve run so far from ourselves that things are good enough to fill the voids.

Love is coming to sweep through the nations, and every dark place will be lit no stone unturned.

Remember, things are fleeting if met with any choice. Always choose love.

Love with no conditions.

Promise To Myself

Im sorry that you had to die; I promise I won’t forget what you’ve done for me.

I promise that your death won’t go in vain. I promise to live a life that you tried to live but couldn’t.

I will forever remember how much you suffocated so that I won’t make the same mistakes.

I will live by your example and make it better than you could have ever dreamed.

I will set the boundaries that you never could. I will honor myself beyond the stars.
I promise I won’t settle for less than I deserve.
I promise that I won’t help people beyond my ability.
I promise you I will never bleed myself to death again.

You gave your last breath yesterday for me to live. You took me to the place where people go to die and Lord, did I feel it.

But you gave your life so that I could breathe easy. You remind me never to allow anyone to suffocate me again.

For that, your death won’t go in vain.