I was asked if I planned to have more children recently and said I couldn’t. Physically, maybe. But the visceral reaction I get from the mere thought of it tells me otherwise. They say it might not be the same the next time around. However, what I have witnessed is not something I can do again. I touch the door in my mind, and I instantly start to cry. I remind myself that I have more purpose in saving the children than having my own.
But my one and only.
She is the manifestation of my spirit.
She is everything that is right with me, but we work on correcting ourselves when something is wrong.
I get glimpses of my attitude, which runs through her veins, and my heart grows more.
We walk hand in hand through life, sharing its ups and downs, laughs, and cries.
She used to be my reason for getting out of bed, but I realized that was a heavy burden for her to carry.
So, I found my reason in myself. I’ve learned to fill my cup and overflow in hers.
I taught her how to fill her cup and when she couldn’t reach out for help.
Whew, my girl is everything I wanted to be as a child, but it took me until adulthood to reach my goals.
I raise her on purpose with a purpose.
When I think of the gift of life, I think of her.
Category: lightworkers
The Deep End
God calls me into the deep end, but I don’t know how to float or swim. He tells me you didn’t know how to walk on water, but you kept your eyes on me through the storms. I say it’s different because I couldn’t drown in the rain. He says no, but you could’ve gotten stuck in your storm and drowned like others before.
God is holding me up in the water and tells me we’ll go up for air, but I’ll have to learn to hold my breath in the water I don’t know how to float or swim in. He asked me where my faith was, that I held on the surface. I beg him not to make it as if I am faithless. I am just afraid to drown in the water. I can’t float or swim in. He reminds me that I had to learn to walk on water. He reminds me that I wasn’t always the person you see today. I can no longer play in the water I am used to. Why play in a space that I am comfortable in? God calls me into the deep end where I don’t know how to float or swim in, but he tells me to keep my eyes and hands on him.
Coming Alive
There’s a fire in the pit of my stomach like an internal flame that never went out. I just suppressed it from growing. I want that spirit to come alive in me and stay alive. I want the fire to burn away everything that I am not and show me all that I am.
I want to remember who I am. I was not made for ordinary; I wasn’t made to despise everything that made me great. My fear of greatness has suppressed that flame. God is telling me to come alive, and I say, but God, how? I no longer want glimpses of what could be or what could’ve been. I just want to be.
I want to just be.
I want to stop fighting against God and what he wants over my life. When this is all said and done, I want to go in front of God, and He tell me, you did well.
I told God I would give my life for people to feel a fraction of my joy. Lord, I have already committed my life to you. How can I be afraid of the death that will come? You said to follow you, I would have to die. Lord, kill everything in me that stops me from doing your will. Lord, I ask that you touch my heart, mind, body, and soul. Lord, allow my spirit to take charge. I can no longer live in the fantasy of what I see over my life. Lord, I need to go and share what you have given me.
Lord, I want to die, and I want people to have peace and say she did great.
I am not made for ordinary, Lord. You didn’t build me that way. I have hidden my talents from myself because I was shunned and excused of thinking I was better when I was just existing, Lord. My existence didn’t feel enough, or it felt too much, Lord. I didn’t want to be too much, so I decided to dumb myself down to make others comfortable. Lord, I don’t care who’s uncomfortable. I don’t care about my comfort. I am uncomfortable, Lord. I am uncomfortable with the fact that I am not living according to your will. I can’t leave this place, not being a light in the world.
I am not here for the ordinary. I am not here to just get by. I am too gifted and too passionate to allow it to die inside of me. It can’t die with me, but what can die is what keeps me from living the life God wants me to live. I was promised a life of greatness, and although there would be trying times, I knew to look at the bright side with gratitude. Lord, cleanse my heart and mind, whatever sadness that sits on me and stops me, remove it, Lord, it has no place here. It can no longer stop me from my dreams of being one with you. I ask that you merge my spirit with yours, Lord. I ask that you make me yours and use me until my dying day. Lord, I have died 1000 times to be in your arms. What is one more, two more, three more times? Lord, take this spirit of fear and unworthiness from my heart, Lord. Whatever lulls me to sleep, Lord, take it off of me. Father God, I ask that you remove the spirit of procrastination; Lord, we both know it’s the fear of greatness that keeps me down. Father God, make me great in your eyes; only the ones who know you will know me; those who want to know you will know me. Those who despise you will despise me, but Lord, that means I am in good company, Lord; allow me to be in good company, covered by your peace and protection. I ask you to allow me to trust myself as I trust others. I know I’ve gotten it wrong in the past, but that hasn’t jaded my heart against people, only toward myself. I ask that you show me how to forgive myself and others, mainly myself because I know better. I know mistakes don’t happen, and they are only learning experiences.
Lord, I have learned my lessons for this next step in life, and while I know there is more to learn, I am done with the hurt and shame that came with life. Father God, help me forgive myself and release me from this anger that keeps me at bay. I want to walk on water and fly in the sky. I want to be one with your earth. I want to know all there is to know so I can be a vehicle for your spirit, Lord. I am a portal of love, but Father God, allow me to love myself as you have loved me my entire life. Even when I didn’t know you, you knew me. Father God, allow me to stay in love with myself and see my worth, and allow me to look at myself the way you look at me with pure admiration. Lord, I feel you in my spirit, and with you, I can do no wrong, and if I ever veer left, you bring me right. Father God, make me over and shine your light on my soul. Allow the fire in the pit of my stomach to ignite. Allow me to follow your will with no fear because, with you, I am protected.
Lifeline
My lifeline is my pen and paper. It’s what keeps me sane and keeps me whole. The life force saves me from outside dangers and protects me from myself. My pen and paper are my lifelines to myself and God. Once I put my pen and paper down, I have only a few months of life in me before things go dark.
It’s been dark for weeks, and the tears won’t stop coming. I asked for peace, but it never came. I beg, and I am reminded that I have the power to save myself. I ignore the calls of my soul when it says, but pick up the pen and paper. I say tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes. My mind becomes tired of running around in circles; my mind says we have to do what we need to to survive. So, I sit and procrastinate and become afraid of the challenges, my mind says, but we’ve always quit in the past. What makes today so different? It becomes a battle between the old and the new. I crumbled, and only a few knew. I mourn the past and all that once was and will never be again.
I listen to my spirit, and I pick up my pen and paper, but before I allow them to meet, I read things that I’ve written before, and once again, the words are what I need.
The last part of my written prayer on April 10, 2023, says, God, I thank you for hearing me and making me restless. Lord, I thank you for the feeling of restlessness so that I can search for your peace and promises.
I searched for my peace and found my pen and paper. I searched for the promises of God and found them within the works I’ve already created.
The Questions Of The Day
Why do you feel like you don’t have your answers?
Why have you lied to yourself about feeling safe in your body?
How have you forgotten the protection you’ve had your entire life?
Why must we swing low when we feel a natural high?
The questions of the day.
I act like I don’t know when I already do.
Mind VS Spirit. Human VS God.
How many times does God have to show up until you believe?
How many times will you have to show up for yourself until you have the confidence to stay on the high?
Why do we have to go low for you to get excited about the answers you already know?
When will we break out of the cycle of thinking we must feel sadness before we can feel happiness? You know what joy and excitement feel like without the pendulum swing.
God promised you peace, and you’ve obtained it once before. How do you lose it over a thought or feeling that is fleeting?
I look for people to make my decisions and to soothe my chaos, but chaos is where I thrive. The peace of God is foreign, so I make up scenarios to fit my old idea of what life should be or has been, or could be. Those are feelings of the past that stop me from being present. My life could be anything, and right now, it’s everything I need it to be. I’ve witnessed the spirit move through me and through those I love. Why have doubt when I see miracles every day?
God reminds me to be still. Not stew in the thoughts that drive me crazy. But be still and allow His peace to wash over me. I’m reminded that I know how to get out of my head and listen to my spirit. I’m reminded that I’ve always been safe. I’m reminded that I can ask all the questions in the world, and each answer will come.
She Is…
She is…
She is the essence that flows through your blood.
She is the flow that awakens the parts you thought were dead.
She is the wind whisper telling you which way to go.
She is the guide that leads you back home.
She is the peace that everyone desires but not everyone acquires.
She is what love is all about.
She is the beauty that lives in all things.
She is the one that will make you give all parts of yourself to have a taste of her.
She is the one that will bring joy and happiness.
She is the one that you’ll love forever because of everything she has to offer.
She is the one that holds all of your secrets close.
She is the one with whom you could be the most authentic version of yourself.
She is…
The essence of love
Finding a home
Sometimes I feel like a motherless child rings in my ears and pierces me through my soul. When I hear that song, it puts me in a chokehold.
Today, the story changed as I was listening to the song and allowed myself the freedom of not getting caught up in emotions. I realized that I had been blessed with some of the best women and mothers I know.
The ones who pray over me in silence and out loud. The ones who shower me with an abundance of knowledge and love. They show me their mistakes, so I won’t have to go down the same road. They love my child as if she were their own. They show me what they’ve done right to lighten my load so my path isn’t too dark.
Today was the last day that I felt like a motherless child because I found a home in too many women for me to feel alone.
Letting go (again)
My notebooks were issues from the past that I no longer needed to hold onto. They were the energy that was keeping me stuck. The words that will live forever are those I’ve already shared or will share in the future. They are not the words that went and died on paper. There is a level of something in the air where I am free to write and create again. I felt stagnant, not realizing it was because I had too much old trying to make the new. Letting go, I always feel like, eh, I might need this, or this has something for me. I don’t need it, and there is nothing.
There are cycles that I’ve completed that no longer require the desperation of my words: the pity and the begging. The God pick me vibes. Why me, God, vibes. I promise i’ll do better vibes.
This is where we come into our power again and become God chose me; I’m going to show you why there is no desperation or begging. Little steps, but I can’t keep the energy of pick me when I’ve already chosen me.
The energy of letting go.
Authority
Who gave you the authority on what you speak about or have it in your heart to talk about?
The observations, the ah-ha moments. The ideas and plans to move forward. Who gave you the authority over your voice and mind when I liked you better when you didn’t have a sense of your own.
I enjoyed the time spent when I could think for you and you did what I wanted you to do.
We were best friends at that time, but now. Now you’ve found your authority to speak and think for yourself, making me hate you.
I don’t enjoy the ideas that you have. I dont want the fact that I could no longer be your puppet master. I was pulling the strings to your heart and mind. How dare you cut the cords and be okay without me?
How dare you be able to stand up straight without me there to hold you up?
I liked you better when I could think and speak for you when your thoughts were mine.
How dare you allow me not to use your light as my own. The thief in the night comes to destroy.
I tried to destroy you. Better yet, I didn’t try to destroy you. I wanted to build you up to be the person I needed you to be for me. I needed to hide behind your light. I couldn’t allow people to see me for who I was because, in reality, who was I? My kids became my everything.
Better yet, you were my better half of me. The one who looked like me, so I could see myself in you to get another chance in life.
How dare you shift and take the light away from me and keep it for your own. Use it and make yourself better when it’s left me to drown in darkness.
I liked you better when I could think and speak for you.
Who gave you authority over your own life?
Greenlight
I am terrified of you, and yet I can’t get enough. I follow my heart, and it leads back to you. At the same time, my mind continues to play tricks on me.
But how could I listen to those stories that I make up in my mind when everything says green.
Greenlight. She reflects the darkness that lives inside of you.
Greenlight. Once you find your light, you shine a light on her darkness and help her heal.
Greenlight. You both somehow feel unworthy of each other.
Greenlight. You feel unworthy of her because you feel like you can’t measure up in her material world.
Greenlight. She feels unworthy because she realizes you want nothing from her except her love.
Greenlight. You both are having a hard time trusting the other.
Greenlight. You both proved you guys were in the long run.
Greenlight. Your souls transformed the minute you guys met.
Greenlight. Dont be afraid.
Greenlight. She only speaks what you feel in your heart.
Greenlight. It’s time to overcome it.
Greenlight. Love is in the air.
Soul's Purpose 