I was asked if I planned to have more children recently and said I couldn’t. Physically, maybe. But the visceral reaction I get from the mere thought of it tells me otherwise. They say it might not be the same the next time around. However, what I have witnessed is not something I can do again. I touch the door in my mind, and I instantly start to cry. I remind myself that I have more purpose in saving the children than having my own.
But my one and only.
She is the manifestation of my spirit.
She is everything that is right with me, but we work on correcting ourselves when something is wrong.
I get glimpses of my attitude, which runs through her veins, and my heart grows more.
We walk hand in hand through life, sharing its ups and downs, laughs, and cries.
She used to be my reason for getting out of bed, but I realized that was a heavy burden for her to carry.
So, I found my reason in myself. I’ve learned to fill my cup and overflow in hers.
I taught her how to fill her cup and when she couldn’t reach out for help.
Whew, my girl is everything I wanted to be as a child, but it took me until adulthood to reach my goals.
I raise her on purpose with a purpose.
When I think of the gift of life, I think of her.
Category: shadow work
Promises
I was taught through the actions of others that promises were meant to be broken. So why would I believe the promises of God? Why would I trust the words of something that I can’t see when the tangible person in front of me has lied too many times? Relax and listen. This isn’t a moment of judgment or preaching. This is where my honesty meets my truth. Promises are meant to be broken, is what I say when someone promises me anything. I hear empty words through the wind of your breath. When you promise, I look harder at your actions that never seem to align. My daughter tells me she loves me because I never say I promise; I always tell her I see what I can do. She knows the disappointment of not keeping my word will never fall on her heart because her mama never said I promise. What she does know is that her mama made it happen in her own time, and there was no clock on what I could do.
I have a hard time trusting God’s promises, but I know he’s always on time. The thoughts stop in my mind and stop through my hand because God tells me that’s all I need to know. He says, “Fine, you can’t trust my promises, but you know I’m always on time.” Keep that in your heart until you can trust my word because you’ve seen me show up and show out. As long as you can breathe easy because you know it’s not your timing, but mine. As long as you’re reminded that everything has a time and season. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. So, no, I can’t always trust the promises of God, but I can trust that He’s always on time.
My Revelation
Could I be honest for a moment?
I don’t always see what you see. My insecurities screamed out at me, but one would never know it. See, I masked it with humility, I convinced myself that I couldn’t be humble without a bit of insecurities. Recently, I realized insecurity is doubt in one’s ability. I am humble because of my spirit and how God lives inside of me. I recognize that I am not doing this life alone, and I am being guided every step of the way. My insecurities have stopped me from fully living in my passions and my truth. When i get a glimpse of the happiness, I shut it down and mute it. When I get a glimpse of what my spirit is calling me to do, I water down the fire that lives inside of me.
The truth is…
God excites me. Living in God’s word excites me, embodying Christ and understanding what it means to follow him excites me. It is my passion to teach about God. It is my passion to jump into the deep end of others and help pull them to safety and to bring them to a life they thought was impossible.
This is my deep end…
The place where I feel safe enough to release my insecurities and to live in a place that is not ashamed of what God has placed in me.
The Deep End
God calls me into the deep end, but I don’t know how to float or swim. He tells me you didn’t know how to walk on water, but you kept your eyes on me through the storms. I say it’s different because I couldn’t drown in the rain. He says no, but you could’ve gotten stuck in your storm and drowned like others before.
God is holding me up in the water and tells me we’ll go up for air, but I’ll have to learn to hold my breath in the water I don’t know how to float or swim in. He asked me where my faith was, that I held on the surface. I beg him not to make it as if I am faithless. I am just afraid to drown in the water. I can’t float or swim in. He reminds me that I had to learn to walk on water. He reminds me that I wasn’t always the person you see today. I can no longer play in the water I am used to. Why play in a space that I am comfortable in? God calls me into the deep end where I don’t know how to float or swim in, but he tells me to keep my eyes and hands on him.
Your Grave
I have this game I like to play it’s called watching you dig your own grave. Here’s the kicker I’m upfront and honest. I’ll tell you what I want, what I don’t need, and my hard lines in the sand. I’ve learned people think they know better than me or they think they can convince me of something or whatever the case may be. So, I let them continue to dig their own grave. The deeper it gets, the quieter I become, and I just observe until the nail comes, you know the last nail in the coffin. The minute I say welp that was fun, game over, they always seem to be confused. Which confuses me because had you taken heed to what I said, you may not have killed yourself off in my story.
Lifeline
My lifeline is my pen and paper. It’s what keeps me sane and keeps me whole. The life force saves me from outside dangers and protects me from myself. My pen and paper are my lifelines to myself and God. Once I put my pen and paper down, I have only a few months of life in me before things go dark.
It’s been dark for weeks, and the tears won’t stop coming. I asked for peace, but it never came. I beg, and I am reminded that I have the power to save myself. I ignore the calls of my soul when it says, but pick up the pen and paper. I say tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes. My mind becomes tired of running around in circles; my mind says we have to do what we need to to survive. So, I sit and procrastinate and become afraid of the challenges, my mind says, but we’ve always quit in the past. What makes today so different? It becomes a battle between the old and the new. I crumbled, and only a few knew. I mourn the past and all that once was and will never be again.
I listen to my spirit, and I pick up my pen and paper, but before I allow them to meet, I read things that I’ve written before, and once again, the words are what I need.
The last part of my written prayer on April 10, 2023, says, God, I thank you for hearing me and making me restless. Lord, I thank you for the feeling of restlessness so that I can search for your peace and promises.
I searched for my peace and found my pen and paper. I searched for the promises of God and found them within the works I’ve already created.
Poetry
When you think in words, and your thoughts become poetry, you understand that you’re in the universe’s flow and one with God—hearing the answers melodically. Like a song so pure and full of love. How can you not share the music of your heart and the words you hear? Some will get caught up in their beliefs, but that’s not for you to defend. Your thoughts are becoming poetry, art full of life. Your hands become the source of power that transmutes all that is not made of love. The energy you exude, the words you speak, the magic you create, the shift that you cause in the room as you walk in. My thoughts are becoming poetry. My movement is becoming fluid in the universe’s flow and one with God.
Moon Child
I am a moon child, a child of the moon. I weave in and out of the darkest skies. I expose the secrets you wish to bury, which come with different cycles. I am the cycle that keeps you whole. I shift and change until it’s time to be made brand new. I hide behind the light when it’s time to reset. I am a moon child, a child of the moon. When I am at my fullest and shining the brightest, my light exposes your demons and drives you crazy. You blame me for your misfortune, but you haven’t found the rhythm of your cycles. Weaving in and out, dismissing what’s right in front of your face. Afraid to change because then who would you be?
The Questions Of The Day
Why do you feel like you don’t have your answers?
Why have you lied to yourself about feeling safe in your body?
How have you forgotten the protection you’ve had your entire life?
Why must we swing low when we feel a natural high?
The questions of the day.
I act like I don’t know when I already do.
Mind VS Spirit. Human VS God.
How many times does God have to show up until you believe?
How many times will you have to show up for yourself until you have the confidence to stay on the high?
Why do we have to go low for you to get excited about the answers you already know?
When will we break out of the cycle of thinking we must feel sadness before we can feel happiness? You know what joy and excitement feel like without the pendulum swing.
God promised you peace, and you’ve obtained it once before. How do you lose it over a thought or feeling that is fleeting?
I look for people to make my decisions and to soothe my chaos, but chaos is where I thrive. The peace of God is foreign, so I make up scenarios to fit my old idea of what life should be or has been, or could be. Those are feelings of the past that stop me from being present. My life could be anything, and right now, it’s everything I need it to be. I’ve witnessed the spirit move through me and through those I love. Why have doubt when I see miracles every day?
God reminds me to be still. Not stew in the thoughts that drive me crazy. But be still and allow His peace to wash over me. I’m reminded that I know how to get out of my head and listen to my spirit. I’m reminded that I’ve always been safe. I’m reminded that I can ask all the questions in the world, and each answer will come.
She Is…
She is…
She is the essence that flows through your blood.
She is the flow that awakens the parts you thought were dead.
She is the wind whisper telling you which way to go.
She is the guide that leads you back home.
She is the peace that everyone desires but not everyone acquires.
She is what love is all about.
She is the beauty that lives in all things.
She is the one that will make you give all parts of yourself to have a taste of her.
She is the one that will bring joy and happiness.
She is the one that you’ll love forever because of everything she has to offer.
She is the one that holds all of your secrets close.
She is the one with whom you could be the most authentic version of yourself.
She is…
The essence of love
Soul's Purpose 