The Gift of Life

I was asked if I planned to have more children recently and said I couldn’t. Physically, maybe. But the visceral reaction I get from the mere thought of it tells me otherwise. They say it might not be the same the next time around. However, what I have witnessed is not something I can do again. I touch the door in my mind, and I instantly start to cry. I remind myself that I have more purpose in saving the children than having my own.

But my one and only.

She is the manifestation of my spirit.
She is everything that is right with me, but we work on correcting ourselves when something is wrong.
I get glimpses of my attitude, which runs through her veins, and my heart grows more.
We walk hand in hand through life, sharing its ups and downs, laughs, and cries.
She used to be my reason for getting out of bed, but I realized that was a heavy burden for her to carry.
So, I found my reason in myself. I’ve learned to fill my cup and overflow in hers.
I taught her how to fill her cup and when she couldn’t reach out for help.
Whew, my girl is everything I wanted to be as a child, but it took me until adulthood to reach my goals.
I raise her on purpose with a purpose.
When I think of the gift of life, I think of her.

Promises

I was taught through the actions of others that promises were meant to be broken. So why would I believe the promises of God? Why would I trust the words of something that I can’t see when the tangible person in front of me has lied too many times? Relax and listen. This isn’t a moment of judgment or preaching. This is where my honesty meets my truth. Promises are meant to be broken, is what I say when someone promises me anything. I hear empty words through the wind of your breath. When you promise, I look harder at your actions that never seem to align. My daughter tells me she loves me because I never say I promise; I always tell her I see what I can do. She knows the disappointment of not keeping my word will never fall on her heart because her mama never said I promise. What she does know is that her mama made it happen in her own time, and there was no clock on what I could do.

I have a hard time trusting God’s promises, but I know he’s always on time. The thoughts stop in my mind and stop through my hand because God tells me that’s all I need to know. He says, “Fine, you can’t trust my promises, but you know I’m always on time.” Keep that in your heart until you can trust my word because you’ve seen me show up and show out. As long as you can breathe easy because you know it’s not your timing, but mine. As long as you’re reminded that everything has a time and season. Ecclesiastes 3:1-8. So, no, I can’t always trust the promises of God, but I can trust that He’s always on time.

My Revelation

Could I be honest for a moment?
I don’t always see what you see. My insecurities screamed out at me, but one would never know it. See, I masked it with humility, I convinced myself that I couldn’t be humble without a bit of insecurities. Recently, I realized insecurity is doubt in one’s ability. I am humble because of my spirit and how God lives inside of me. I recognize that I am not doing this life alone, and I am being guided every step of the way. My insecurities have stopped me from fully living in my passions and my truth. When i get a glimpse of the happiness, I shut it down and mute it. When I get a glimpse of what my spirit is calling me to do, I water down the fire that lives inside of me.
The truth is…
God excites me. Living in God’s word excites me, embodying Christ and understanding what it means to follow him excites me. It is my passion to teach about God. It is my passion to jump into the deep end of others and help pull them to safety and to bring them to a life they thought was impossible.
This is my deep end…
The place where I feel safe enough to release my insecurities and to live in a place that is not ashamed of what God has placed in me.

The Deep End

God calls me into the deep end, but I don’t know how to float or swim. He tells me you didn’t know how to walk on water, but you kept your eyes on me through the storms. I say it’s different because I couldn’t drown in the rain. He says no, but you could’ve gotten stuck in your storm and drowned like others before.
God is holding me up in the water and tells me we’ll go up for air, but I’ll have to learn to hold my breath in the water I don’t know how to float or swim in. He asked me where my faith was, that I held on the surface. I beg him not to make it as if I am faithless. I am just afraid to drown in the water. I can’t float or swim in. He reminds me that I had to learn to walk on water. He reminds me that I wasn’t always the person you see today. I can no longer play in the water I am used to. Why play in a space that I am comfortable in? God calls me into the deep end where I don’t know how to float or swim in, but he tells me to keep my eyes and hands on him.

Coming Alive

There’s a fire in the pit of my stomach like an internal flame that never went out. I just suppressed it from growing. I want that spirit to come alive in me and stay alive. I want the fire to burn away everything that I am not and show me all that I am.
I want to remember who I am. I was not made for ordinary; I wasn’t made to despise everything that made me great. My fear of greatness has suppressed that flame. God is telling me to come alive, and I say, but God, how? I no longer want glimpses of what could be or what could’ve been. I just want to be.
I want to just be.
I want to stop fighting against God and what he wants over my life. When this is all said and done, I want to go in front of God, and He tell me, you did well.
I told God I would give my life for people to feel a fraction of my joy. Lord, I have already committed my life to you. How can I be afraid of the death that will come? You said to follow you, I would have to die. Lord, kill everything in me that stops me from doing your will. Lord, I ask that you touch my heart, mind, body, and soul. Lord, allow my spirit to take charge. I can no longer live in the fantasy of what I see over my life. Lord, I need to go and share what you have given me.
Lord, I want to die, and I want people to have peace and say she did great.
I am not made for ordinary, Lord. You didn’t build me that way. I have hidden my talents from myself because I was shunned and excused of thinking I was better when I was just existing, Lord. My existence didn’t feel enough, or it felt too much, Lord. I didn’t want to be too much, so I decided to dumb myself down to make others comfortable. Lord, I don’t care who’s uncomfortable. I don’t care about my comfort. I am uncomfortable, Lord. I am uncomfortable with the fact that I am not living according to your will. I can’t leave this place, not being a light in the world.
I am not here for the ordinary. I am not here to just get by. I am too gifted and too passionate to allow it to die inside of me. It can’t die with me, but what can die is what keeps me from living the life God wants me to live. I was promised a life of greatness, and although there would be trying times, I knew to look at the bright side with gratitude. Lord, cleanse my heart and mind, whatever sadness that sits on me and stops me, remove it, Lord, it has no place here. It can no longer stop me from my dreams of being one with you. I ask that you merge my spirit with yours, Lord. I ask that you make me yours and use me until my dying day. Lord, I have died 1000 times to be in your arms. What is one more, two more, three more times? Lord, take this spirit of fear and unworthiness from my heart, Lord. Whatever lulls me to sleep, Lord, take it off of me. Father God, I ask that you remove the spirit of procrastination; Lord, we both know it’s the fear of greatness that keeps me down. Father God, make me great in your eyes; only the ones who know you will know me; those who want to know you will know me. Those who despise you will despise me, but Lord, that means I am in good company, Lord; allow me to be in good company, covered by your peace and protection. I ask you to allow me to trust myself as I trust others. I know I’ve gotten it wrong in the past, but that hasn’t jaded my heart against people, only toward myself. I ask that you show me how to forgive myself and others, mainly myself because I know better. I know mistakes don’t happen, and they are only learning experiences.
Lord, I have learned my lessons for this next step in life, and while I know there is more to learn, I am done with the hurt and shame that came with life. Father God, help me forgive myself and release me from this anger that keeps me at bay. I want to walk on water and fly in the sky. I want to be one with your earth. I want to know all there is to know so I can be a vehicle for your spirit, Lord. I am a portal of love, but Father God, allow me to love myself as you have loved me my entire life. Even when I didn’t know you, you knew me. Father God, allow me to stay in love with myself and see my worth, and allow me to look at myself the way you look at me with pure admiration. Lord, I feel you in my spirit, and with you, I can do no wrong, and if I ever veer left, you bring me right. Father God, make me over and shine your light on my soul. Allow the fire in the pit of my stomach to ignite. Allow me to follow your will with no fear because, with you, I am protected.

Journey (Disappearance of the world)

I have the power to make the world disappear. One look at my eyes, and we’re the only ones in a crowded room. Let me take you on a journey where my light shines in the darkest part of your mind. Let me show you what your soul has been missing. Maybe thats a problem of mine. I’ll show you a world you did not know existed, a world you were missing. Allow me to show you this place where love lives, the place where you feel weak. You follow my lead but with apprehension. The look in your eyes tells me you are intrigued. Allow me to show you what you’ve been missing. The deeper you go, the weaker you become, but you forget you have me to show you your strength. You have my attention, and I’ll take you on a journey where the world disappears.