Could I be honest for a moment?
I don’t always see what you see. My insecurities screamed out at me, but one would never know it. See, I masked it with humility, I convinced myself that I couldn’t be humble without a bit of insecurities. Recently, I realized insecurity is doubt in one’s ability. I am humble because of my spirit and how God lives inside of me. I recognize that I am not doing this life alone, and I am being guided every step of the way. My insecurities have stopped me from fully living in my passions and my truth. When i get a glimpse of the happiness, I shut it down and mute it. When I get a glimpse of what my spirit is calling me to do, I water down the fire that lives inside of me.
The truth is…
God excites me. Living in God’s word excites me, embodying Christ and understanding what it means to follow him excites me. It is my passion to teach about God. It is my passion to jump into the deep end of others and help pull them to safety and to bring them to a life they thought was impossible.
This is my deep end…
The place where I feel safe enough to release my insecurities and to live in a place that is not ashamed of what God has placed in me.
Tag: #heartandsoul
Coming Alive
There’s a fire in the pit of my stomach like an internal flame that never went out. I just suppressed it from growing. I want that spirit to come alive in me and stay alive. I want the fire to burn away everything that I am not and show me all that I am.
I want to remember who I am. I was not made for ordinary; I wasn’t made to despise everything that made me great. My fear of greatness has suppressed that flame. God is telling me to come alive, and I say, but God, how? I no longer want glimpses of what could be or what could’ve been. I just want to be.
I want to just be.
I want to stop fighting against God and what he wants over my life. When this is all said and done, I want to go in front of God, and He tell me, you did well.
I told God I would give my life for people to feel a fraction of my joy. Lord, I have already committed my life to you. How can I be afraid of the death that will come? You said to follow you, I would have to die. Lord, kill everything in me that stops me from doing your will. Lord, I ask that you touch my heart, mind, body, and soul. Lord, allow my spirit to take charge. I can no longer live in the fantasy of what I see over my life. Lord, I need to go and share what you have given me.
Lord, I want to die, and I want people to have peace and say she did great.
I am not made for ordinary, Lord. You didn’t build me that way. I have hidden my talents from myself because I was shunned and excused of thinking I was better when I was just existing, Lord. My existence didn’t feel enough, or it felt too much, Lord. I didn’t want to be too much, so I decided to dumb myself down to make others comfortable. Lord, I don’t care who’s uncomfortable. I don’t care about my comfort. I am uncomfortable, Lord. I am uncomfortable with the fact that I am not living according to your will. I can’t leave this place, not being a light in the world.
I am not here for the ordinary. I am not here to just get by. I am too gifted and too passionate to allow it to die inside of me. It can’t die with me, but what can die is what keeps me from living the life God wants me to live. I was promised a life of greatness, and although there would be trying times, I knew to look at the bright side with gratitude. Lord, cleanse my heart and mind, whatever sadness that sits on me and stops me, remove it, Lord, it has no place here. It can no longer stop me from my dreams of being one with you. I ask that you merge my spirit with yours, Lord. I ask that you make me yours and use me until my dying day. Lord, I have died 1000 times to be in your arms. What is one more, two more, three more times? Lord, take this spirit of fear and unworthiness from my heart, Lord. Whatever lulls me to sleep, Lord, take it off of me. Father God, I ask that you remove the spirit of procrastination; Lord, we both know it’s the fear of greatness that keeps me down. Father God, make me great in your eyes; only the ones who know you will know me; those who want to know you will know me. Those who despise you will despise me, but Lord, that means I am in good company, Lord; allow me to be in good company, covered by your peace and protection. I ask you to allow me to trust myself as I trust others. I know I’ve gotten it wrong in the past, but that hasn’t jaded my heart against people, only toward myself. I ask that you show me how to forgive myself and others, mainly myself because I know better. I know mistakes don’t happen, and they are only learning experiences.
Lord, I have learned my lessons for this next step in life, and while I know there is more to learn, I am done with the hurt and shame that came with life. Father God, help me forgive myself and release me from this anger that keeps me at bay. I want to walk on water and fly in the sky. I want to be one with your earth. I want to know all there is to know so I can be a vehicle for your spirit, Lord. I am a portal of love, but Father God, allow me to love myself as you have loved me my entire life. Even when I didn’t know you, you knew me. Father God, allow me to stay in love with myself and see my worth, and allow me to look at myself the way you look at me with pure admiration. Lord, I feel you in my spirit, and with you, I can do no wrong, and if I ever veer left, you bring me right. Father God, make me over and shine your light on my soul. Allow the fire in the pit of my stomach to ignite. Allow me to follow your will with no fear because, with you, I am protected.
Journey (Disappearance of the world)
I have the power to make the world disappear. One look at my eyes, and we’re the only ones in a crowded room. Let me take you on a journey where my light shines in the darkest part of your mind. Let me show you what your soul has been missing. Maybe thats a problem of mine. I’ll show you a world you did not know existed, a world you were missing. Allow me to show you this place where love lives, the place where you feel weak. You follow my lead but with apprehension. The look in your eyes tells me you are intrigued. Allow me to show you what you’ve been missing. The deeper you go, the weaker you become, but you forget you have me to show you your strength. You have my attention, and I’ll take you on a journey where the world disappears.
Lifeline
My lifeline is my pen and paper. It’s what keeps me sane and keeps me whole. The life force saves me from outside dangers and protects me from myself. My pen and paper are my lifelines to myself and God. Once I put my pen and paper down, I have only a few months of life in me before things go dark.
It’s been dark for weeks, and the tears won’t stop coming. I asked for peace, but it never came. I beg, and I am reminded that I have the power to save myself. I ignore the calls of my soul when it says, but pick up the pen and paper. I say tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes. My mind becomes tired of running around in circles; my mind says we have to do what we need to to survive. So, I sit and procrastinate and become afraid of the challenges, my mind says, but we’ve always quit in the past. What makes today so different? It becomes a battle between the old and the new. I crumbled, and only a few knew. I mourn the past and all that once was and will never be again.
I listen to my spirit, and I pick up my pen and paper, but before I allow them to meet, I read things that I’ve written before, and once again, the words are what I need.
The last part of my written prayer on April 10, 2023, says, God, I thank you for hearing me and making me restless. Lord, I thank you for the feeling of restlessness so that I can search for your peace and promises.
I searched for my peace and found my pen and paper. I searched for the promises of God and found them within the works I’ve already created.
Poetry
When you think in words, and your thoughts become poetry, you understand that you’re in the universe’s flow and one with God—hearing the answers melodically. Like a song so pure and full of love. How can you not share the music of your heart and the words you hear? Some will get caught up in their beliefs, but that’s not for you to defend. Your thoughts are becoming poetry, art full of life. Your hands become the source of power that transmutes all that is not made of love. The energy you exude, the words you speak, the magic you create, the shift that you cause in the room as you walk in. My thoughts are becoming poetry. My movement is becoming fluid in the universe’s flow and one with God.
Moon Child
I am a moon child, a child of the moon. I weave in and out of the darkest skies. I expose the secrets you wish to bury, which come with different cycles. I am the cycle that keeps you whole. I shift and change until it’s time to be made brand new. I hide behind the light when it’s time to reset. I am a moon child, a child of the moon. When I am at my fullest and shining the brightest, my light exposes your demons and drives you crazy. You blame me for your misfortune, but you haven’t found the rhythm of your cycles. Weaving in and out, dismissing what’s right in front of your face. Afraid to change because then who would you be?
I could say…
I could say you’re tapped into my system because you used to be my greatest muse. I wrote you the best stuff imaginable, so sweet and so sensual. I could say you’re tapped into my system, but that would give you too much power when it was my gift before and after you. I could say you’re tapped, or i’m tapped, or I could say I miss you, or I could say I miss me. Either one wouldn’t be a lie. I could say you’re tapped into my system, but I think that would be a lie. I’m lying. It could be true, but I still won’t give you the power to be my muse because this is my gift, with or without you.
Spirit on Fire
Why are you crying when it was my heart that was shattered?
Why are you crying when I only gave you a day for my tears?
Why are you crying when I was the one who had to pick up the pieces and move on?
Why are you crying as if you didn’t destroy your world?
Why are you crying as if I haven’t already forgiven you?
Why are you crying as if I have not noticed that your actions are to help me and not hinder me? They appear for you to see who I am.
Why are you crying as if your spirit didn’t tame my ego and your ego didn’t set my spirit on fire?
Kissed by the gods
My body is a piece of artwork kissed by the gods. Each scar tells a story of pain but a story of healing. Tattoo placements are impeccable and flow with the story my soul wants to tell. Each piece fits like a puzzle. My small frame has brought me shame in the past, and now I look in the mirror and Thank God. I look with admiration, and I can’t believe that it belongs to me. My eyes are my favorite, so bright and expressive. I show others who I am; while some shy away, others feel the warmth of my light and choose to stay. My spirit can’t be tamed, so I allow others to feel safe enough to walk their path until it’s time to move on. I’m never far, but I can’t stop and wait.
My favorite thing about myself is I will walk through hell with you, but I won’t sit there with you. If it’s a pity party you’re inviting me to, I have one of those in me; the next one, I must respectfully decline.
My hands hold unmatched magic. The power that flows through them, the connection I can make, and the ease you feel with one touch. Nothing that I do is without intention.
I am the conductor of the Orchestra. My body is a piece of artwork kissed by the gods.
A Mother’s Letter to Her Child
I have already apologized for what might not have been the best you felt I could do. I don’t know how long you think you could hold me hostage or how much longer you think I will allow you to hold me hostage.
I can admit that looking back, I could’ve done more, but from where I was, that’s all I had. I can’t go back in time, and I can’t make it right if you hold me hostage to my past. For years I’ve been trying to make things right through your children, and I have sacrificed some of my best years to prove that I loved you. But you took advantage, and we both have nothing to show for our sacrifices.
I was never supposed to take on your burden as my own. I understand that more than ever. All I could do was tell you that I did my best. You know, the same way you’re telling your child the same thing. You claim to hate me so severely and declare that I was such an awful parent, yet you’re following my path. Could you help me make sense of that? Please help me understand why you would hold me hostage only to be like me. The freedom you desire, I have paid the price for. I did my job as a parent, whether it was to your liking or not. Again, if I was so bad, why would you want me to have such a helping hand in raising the ones you gave birth to? I can’t say I am perfect because I am not, but I have to be better than the person you’ve built in your mind. In your heart, you know who I am, but your mind tells you there is a problem, and frankly, that has now become your problem because I have to free myself from the prison you’ve built around me.
Soul's Purpose 