Kind Of Woman

Only a few people know this, but when Peyton was in the hospital the first time she didn’t want me near her. She would always call for her father. The reason was my energy was too cold. She wasn’t receiving the love and affection that she desperately needed.

I am the everything is okay kind of woman, the we don’t have time for this kind of woman, the one that keeps our feelings under control and doesn’t allow anything to stop us kind of woman.

I am also the never got coddled kind of woman, the one who can’t go to her mother and tell her she doesn’t feel good and get sympathy kind of woman. The one who was told to go lay down and go to sleep kind of woman. The one who had a stomach virus and got in trouble for vomiting on the floor kind of woman.

I am the one who has to be strong kind of woman, the one who could show no weakness kind of woman because my strength is holding everyone else together kind of woman.

I am the woman that has to cry in the shower in order to get some type of reprieve.

I am the woman like so many before me who had no time to be sick because it was a sign of weakness, no time to be sick because our parents had to continue to make our world go round.

I am the woman who used to be jealous that others could go to their mom and lay in their lap and tell them what’s wrong.

I turned out to be the woman that’s grateful for the strength that my mother instilled in me. The strength that could survive without human contact when it seems like I need it the most.

I am the woman like so many before me that was raised to be independent, but in that independence never learned how to be properly loved. You see my tough exterior not realizing there is someone who is soft and sensitive inside screaming to be loved.

You see my pain as anger. You see my passion as having an attitude. Stifled by my own thoughts because I’m not allowed to have my own feelings without being offensive.

I am only one woman, but this one woman comes from a collective whole that feels the same way.

My Prayers For Us

I pray over the weak; weak in mind and weak in spirit. I pray that you could find the strength to find your way home. I pray that you could find your way back to you. I pray that you’re not left in shambles. I pray that you have not yet crumbled. I pray for your strength and your wholeness. I pray for your safety and your will to keep going.

I pray over the strong; I understand it’s hard to keep going, but you must. I pray that in your strength that find your peace and your calm. I pray that with your strength you allow yourself to keep going. I pray that with your strength you allow yourself to feel just a bit weak in order to find your wholeness.

I pray over all of us; I pray that we see brighter days. I pray that we begin to see ourselves and each other. I pray that we can start feeling compassion for each other, start to become one. Unified in our oneness, for once we can all say we have something in common no one different from the rest.

I pray that we could see the better days to come. I pray for your strength and understanding. I pray for your heart and mind to be open. I pray that this meets you in good health. I pray for our protection and our guidance.

Amen

This prayer has no face, it has no name. Call upon your own beliefs, but at the end of the of it all we’re in this together and we need each other.

Truth Comes To Light

First and foremost I want to express my deepest gratitude for what is happening and for what is to come.

I was taught that I wasn’t enough, and from that idea I always tried to fit into a square that I didn’t belong in. I was told I spoke like white people and I listened to “white” music. I guess that made me not enough in my own blackness around my own people. I was always different. I never followed the crowd, but was to afraid to fully go out on my own. I would hide and suppress who I truly was. I never fit in but in reality I wasn’t supposed to. Everyone around me muted my thoughts and ideas until it crushed my own creativity. I stopped doing everything I loved because I felt like whatever my mind created wasn’t good enough. That’s why i spent so much time afraid of speaking my own truth or sharing my work.

I never felt good in my own skin because I didn’t have the “build” of a black girl I was always small, and guess you could say “lacking” in some areas.

Without effort I always got by so I started to believe just getting by was all that matters. I stopped trying to excel a long time ago. As I grew I watched my family struggle with money, but as long as they had the bare necessities that’s all that mattered. I started to believe that’s all that mattered. I always say it doesn’t matter what happens I’ll figure it out, I’ve come from a line of women figuring it out. These things, these ideas, the thoughts buried so deep inside of me that I thought this is what life was.

I can’t be myself because who i was isn’t good enough. I can’t be free in my own thinking because it makes me look crazy. My ideas became like everyone else until it started to suffocate me. I followed in footsteps that I never belonged in. I stayed in darkness for too long not realizing I was the light. I can no longer silence myself to make others happy or comfortable. I can no longer fit into a square that I never belonged in. The reality of the situation no one fits into the square.

I don’t want anyone to think this is a blame game because its not. This is just a truth that I chose to choose for too long.

Today, I choose to be my most authentic self. Today, I choose not to care what others think about me because in reality what you think about is not my business. In reality what you think about me is only a projection of how you feel anyway. Today, I choose to be as unique as i was made without the fear of judgment. I’ve seen and heard things that your mind couldn’t understand. I’ve met my higher self and until you meet and greet yours nothing that I say to you will make sense anyway. Today, I choose to be light. Today, I choose to be happiness. Today, I choose to be love. Today, I choose to be who I was created to be. Today, I choose to be abundance. I choose to shine my light on others for the world to see.